above all, i am posting this to help to possibly prevent this from happening to anyone else that i know.
please realize that this happened a year ago. for many months, i had felt that it was my fault, i had gone home with him, afterall. i still feel responsible, to some extent.
this was posted in a secret journal that i have, back on December 27th.
Was I raped?
I don't know.
I can't remember if I've typed anything about this in here before, but something occured tonight to bring it to the fore front.
Background: i've only been with one guy this year. his name was Billy, and he picked up on me at Good Time Charlies, VERY cute, sarcastic bitch of a guy, and i only wanted one thing, so i was fine when he invited me home to his apartment on 19th and maryland. i was almost completely sober when i got there, and, although i hadn't said i wanted one, he cracked open a beer - only one, and kept pressing me to drink it.
so, i did.
we chatted a bit, and one thing started to lead to another, until he said, plainly, "we're going to have anal sex now. i'm going to tear you apart." as he was 10 inches long, (i had sense of mind to measure with my hands as he was gagging me with it later), he did just that.
it hurt. everything he did to me hurt very badly, and i was completely sickened with myself, but felt helpless to do anything about it, helpless to say no, helpless to leave. i was a doll that he would position whatever way he wanted, and all i could do is wimper in pain. i couldn't even cry. after awhile, i was finally able to stop it, and i went into the bathroom, got dressed, noticed i was bleeding, and mumbled something as i left.
on the drive home, i felt like i had drank a fifth of jack daniels, all to myself, and all in one gulp.
i felt sick for two days, as well as completely out of it, much like i was on painkillers.
the IDEA of sex with another individual since then has totally disgusted me, and i keep having dreams of violent sex, whether it's me begging for it, or me giving it.
i ran into Billy tonight. he looks a LOT different than he did back in february, so i didn't recognize him at first. my friend joe was trying to hook me up with him, and billy was jokingly kissing me, telling me i was stuck up because i wouldn't let him do what he wanted to me. he took me outside to show me the patio, kissed me passionately, and touched me in various places. i kept pushing him away, and he kept pushing back. when we went back to the crowd, they were arguing about what to do next. billy said "we can always go to my apartment." "where do you live?" i asked with a sly smile. "oh, about half a mile up the way." "oh? what are your cross streets?" "19th avenue and maryland. i have a 2 bedroom there."
that's when it all clicked.
my smiles became grimaces. i pulled joe aside, because i had told him about my theory of the possible drugging. he wanted to kill him. i eased things over so that he wouldn't go and get himself thrown in jail for kicking the shit out of him by telling him that i can't prove that he did, and that i truly don't know for sure. mere pulled me into the bathroom, because she could tell something was wrong. i told her what had happened, and said that i just wanted to go home.
when we joined the crowd, billy kept trying to kiss me and flirt with me and tried several times to talk me away from my friends to get me alone again.
it was all i could do not to throw up.
so joe, mere, billy, and billy's roommate are going bar hopping. the roommate (who i overheard moved in at the end of feb.) is a genuinely nice guy, but mere swore up and down to make billy's life a living hell, and to make him hurt.
was i raped? was i drugged? i don't know.
i left the bar, shivering and shuddering like mad, as soon as i left mere and joe's eyesight, my happy smile instantly left, and i drove home in a full-fledged panic attack: huge, deep breaths where i couldn't get air, tears streaming down my cheeks, shaking like a fiend. i had let him KISS me AGAIN, not knowing who he was. how the hell could i have FORGOTTEN?!?
so, now i'm at home, feeling disgusting and horrid, and on the verge of another serious panic attack.
was i raped? was i drugged? i seriously don't know. either way, i curse billy for fucking up my sex life and making me fear and feel disgusted by the simple IDEA of another man touching me again.