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caution: serious post ahead..

i wanted to share something with all of you. a horrible experience that happened to me a bit over a year ago. i have kept this inside for a VERY long time, letting only a few people know. but i wanted to post this to not only allow myself to begin healing, by talking it out, but also help you all to know why i was the way i was last year, why i was severely depressed for most of it, why having a relationship was not even an option.

above all, i am posting this to help to possibly prevent this from happening to anyone else that i know.

please realize that this happened a year ago. for many months, i had felt that it was my fault, i had gone home with him, afterall. i still feel responsible, to some extent.

this was posted in a secret journal that i have, back on December 27th.
------------------------
Was I raped?

I don't know.

I can't remember if I've typed anything about this in here before, but something occured tonight to bring it to the fore front.

Background: i've only been with one guy this year. his name was Billy, and he picked up on me at Good Time Charlies, VERY cute, sarcastic bitch of a guy, and i only wanted one thing, so i was fine when he invited me home to his apartment on 19th and maryland. i was almost completely sober when i got there, and, although i hadn't said i wanted one, he cracked open a beer - only one, and kept pressing me to drink it.

so, i did.

we chatted a bit, and one thing started to lead to another, until he said, plainly, "we're going to have anal sex now. i'm going to tear you apart." as he was 10 inches long, (i had sense of mind to measure with my hands as he was gagging me with it later), he did just that.

it hurt. everything he did to me hurt very badly, and i was completely sickened with myself, but felt helpless to do anything about it, helpless to say no, helpless to leave. i was a doll that he would position whatever way he wanted, and all i could do is wimper in pain. i couldn't even cry. after awhile, i was finally able to stop it, and i went into the bathroom, got dressed, noticed i was bleeding, and mumbled something as i left.

on the drive home, i felt like i had drank a fifth of jack daniels, all to myself, and all in one gulp.

i felt sick for two days, as well as completely out of it, much like i was on painkillers.

the IDEA of sex with another individual since then has totally disgusted me, and i keep having dreams of violent sex, whether it's me begging for it, or me giving it.

i ran into Billy tonight. he looks a LOT different than he did back in february, so i didn't recognize him at first. my friend joe was trying to hook me up with him, and billy was jokingly kissing me, telling me i was stuck up because i wouldn't let him do what he wanted to me. he took me outside to show me the patio, kissed me passionately, and touched me in various places. i kept pushing him away, and he kept pushing back. when we went back to the crowd, they were arguing about what to do next. billy said "we can always go to my apartment." "where do you live?" i asked with a sly smile. "oh, about half a mile up the way." "oh? what are your cross streets?" "19th avenue and maryland. i have a 2 bedroom there."

that's when it all clicked.

my smiles became grimaces. i pulled joe aside, because i had told him about my theory of the possible drugging. he wanted to kill him. i eased things over so that he wouldn't go and get himself thrown in jail for kicking the shit out of him by telling him that i can't prove that he did, and that i truly don't know for sure. mere pulled me into the bathroom, because she could tell something was wrong. i told her what had happened, and said that i just wanted to go home.

when we joined the crowd, billy kept trying to kiss me and flirt with me and tried several times to talk me away from my friends to get me alone again.

it was all i could do not to throw up.

so joe, mere, billy, and billy's roommate are going bar hopping. the roommate (who i overheard moved in at the end of feb.) is a genuinely nice guy, but mere swore up and down to make billy's life a living hell, and to make him hurt.

was i raped? was i drugged? i don't know.

i left the bar, shivering and shuddering like mad, as soon as i left mere and joe's eyesight, my happy smile instantly left, and i drove home in a full-fledged panic attack: huge, deep breaths where i couldn't get air, tears streaming down my cheeks, shaking like a fiend. i had let him KISS me AGAIN, not knowing who he was. how the hell could i have FORGOTTEN?!?

so, now i'm at home, feeling disgusting and horrid, and on the verge of another serious panic attack.

was i raped? was i drugged? i seriously don't know. either way, i curse billy for fucking up my sex life and making me fear and feel disgusted by the simple IDEA of another man touching me again.

Comments

( 162 comments — Leave a comment )
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soulfly1974
Feb. 27th, 2003 07:45 am (UTC)
I don't know what to say except I'm sorry. men tend to be assholes like that... *hugs*
aubkabob
Feb. 27th, 2003 08:07 am (UTC)
what can you say, you live and learn? i'm still a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, though i'm still searching for the greater good in this. maybe to teach me one-nighters are bad? maybe to show me that i shouldn't just trust anyone when i first meet them?
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mistervimes
Feb. 27th, 2003 08:18 am (UTC)
Luv u *HUG*
aubkabob
Feb. 27th, 2003 09:02 pm (UTC)
Re:
thanks *hugs back*
shari
Feb. 27th, 2003 08:46 am (UTC)
((((hugs))))
aubkabob
Feb. 27th, 2003 09:17 pm (UTC)
Re:
*hugs back*
Re: - shari - Mar. 1st, 2003 03:23 pm (UTC) - Expand
ex_dogmeat720
Feb. 27th, 2003 09:09 am (UTC)
Bastards like this make me ashamed to be a man. Really. :(
aubkabob
Feb. 27th, 2003 09:24 pm (UTC)
Re:
there's good ones, i'm sure, like yourself.
cynica
Feb. 27th, 2003 09:09 am (UTC)
Aubrey, I am nauseous to hear that this has happened to you. If ever we happen to be at the same place at the same time and this worthless piece of shit motherfucker is within a MILE of where we are, I personally guarantee he'll be peeing sideways out of his *mouth* for the better part of a decade.

And there will be no chance that you'll be able to talk me down.

I'm so sorry.. So, so sorry it happened to you. I wish you only top quality and good intentions coming from men from here on out... Please don't give up on love, though, because of this cowardly fuckwit... He represents fear and control, not love.
aubkabob
Feb. 27th, 2003 09:25 pm (UTC)
Re:
thanks, love.

i appreciate the body guard-ness ;)
froglegs
Feb. 27th, 2003 09:13 am (UTC)
I learned my lessons about one night stands in a very similar way. I am sorry you went through it, all I can offer is empathy... everything else would be trite. But you have the strength in you to get through anything, I think you will be right as rain in the very near future.
aubkabob
Feb. 27th, 2003 09:26 pm (UTC)
Re:
i'm already healing, and 'coming out of the closet' about it to everyone has been a BIG releaf, although i still find it.. embarassing, in a way.

and i know that things will eventually be right again, which is evident with my new crush, and how he doesnt' make me want to throw up when he hugs me.
(Deleted comment)
aubkabob
Feb. 27th, 2003 09:30 pm (UTC)
Re:
i didn't carry it very well. i almost lost my job on many different occasions, became a total recluse, and went through SERIOUS depression for almost all of 2002.

now that i'm feeling a bit better, it's good to get all of this off my chest finally.
ruthyriot
Feb. 27th, 2003 09:28 am (UTC)
::hugs you tight::
you did nothing wrong! billy did everything wrong!!!!!

it sounds to me like you were slipped a roofie. there is no way you could have rejected his advances if you had wanted to, you were drugged! fuck him and date rape!

you need to heal now. do whatever you need to do to heal, take as much time as you need. i was sexually assaulted when i was 18, and at 25 i am still trying to heal. it takes time to find peace within yourself after an event like this. the person who did this to me still lives in the same town as me, so everytime i see him and i am with someone safe, i look right at him and call him a rapist! this may not be mature, or the "correct" way of handing things, but it makes me feel alot better, sorta like primal scream therapy
aubkabob
Feb. 27th, 2003 09:37 pm (UTC)
Re: ::hugs you tight::
ugh. that would be difficult. and now knowing that he STILL lives just a couple of blocks from me gives me the heebie jeebies. i never want to EVER go into the bar that i ran into him at ever again...
Re: ::hugs you tight:: - ruthyriot - Feb. 28th, 2003 07:00 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: ::hugs you tight:: - aubkabob - Mar. 5th, 2003 09:01 am (UTC) - Expand
bono_macphisto
Feb. 27th, 2003 09:29 am (UTC)
i'll talk to you about this over email a bit better. but i'm proud of you for coming out about it. keep on rockin' in the free world.
aubkabob
Feb. 27th, 2003 09:32 pm (UTC)
Re:
lol.

thanks, bono!! ;)
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pootrootbeer
Feb. 27th, 2003 09:34 am (UTC)

Although you didn't recognize him the next time you saw him, what's worse is that HE didn't recognize YOU.

God knows how many other women he's taken to 19th and Maryland and assaulted the same way...
ornotmajestic
Feb. 27th, 2003 11:44 am (UTC)
My thoughts exactly. How someone can take something so beautiful and grind it into something so disgusting and vile, is beyond me. You wanna know where to direct the downfall of western society? Direct it towards violent, self-need seeking, advantage-stealing fuck-tards like billy. I hope he rots in hell.

Aubrey, I applaud you for the courage to come forward about this, and I know it couldn't have been the easiest thing in the world. Just remember, the way you feel about sex and men, is proof enough of what he did to you. Whether you were drugged or not doesn't matter, because a normal sexual experience will not leave you feeling disgusting, scared and fearful of men. The fact that you might have been drugged, just takes it to a whole new low, as if the first low wasn't digging in the shit-pits enough. We are here for you when you need us. I hope our overwhelming responses is proof of that! *hugs*
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blooduponroses
Feb. 27th, 2003 09:55 am (UTC)
A very similar thing happened to me, hun....I wouldn't wish it on anyone in the word. Especially because of the questions that haunt you after, and the inability to place blame anywhere but youself. Reading that reminded so much of what happened to me, and for the first time I can honestly say I wish I was alone in this.
I can't help but flinch when a guy touches me...even a stroke on my cheek. And luckily for me...mine was violent. But I've had an experience that left me bleeding and it makes it all the more horrid.
And yes...if he pressed you to drink it, it probably had a date rape drug in it. I'm am just so thankful for you it wasn't the horse tranquilizer some of them use or else you wouldn't be here today for your friends to be here for you.

Eh....this stranger is done blabbing now. Take care.
aubkabob
Feb. 27th, 2003 09:43 pm (UTC)
Re:
i know what you mean. i blame myself because yes, i went home with him willingly, yes, i had intended to have a one nighter with him. and the questions i asked myself for a LONG time where horrible. i guess that since it wasn't textbook rape, that for a long time, i felt like i hadn't been, and why i felt like i shouldn't come forward with it, because it wasn't like i was kicking and screaming during, and i wasn't drug into an alley or anything.

i'm sorry that you had to go through that, too, and if you ever need anyone to talk to... *hugs*
hurricane_amy
Feb. 27th, 2003 10:23 am (UTC)
you did not deserve to be treated that way. it wasn't your fault. he is a criminal. i just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
aubkabob
Feb. 27th, 2003 09:45 pm (UTC)
Re:
thank you, luv. *hugs*
spooble
Feb. 27th, 2003 11:11 am (UTC)
Aubrey, I'm very sorry to hear about that. None of it is your fault.

I wish I could do more to help you. Please let me know if I can.
aubkabob
Feb. 27th, 2003 09:48 pm (UTC)
Re:
thanks, spoobs. what you said was just perfect :)
(no subject) - spooble - Feb. 28th, 2003 06:33 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: - aubkabob - Mar. 5th, 2003 09:00 am (UTC) - Expand
ex_mranthrop317
Feb. 27th, 2003 11:43 am (UTC)
bravo sweety. you'd be completely justified in keeping this to yourself. I think it's admirable to make it public. it's too late to do anything about it in a legal sense, because it would just end up your word against his sadly, but it takes real courage to come out and tell these things. that's why I and everyone else who knows you loves you so much!
aubkabob
Feb. 27th, 2003 09:51 pm (UTC)
Re:
i know that i can't press charges. hell, i know nothing about the guy other than his name is billy and that he drives a black car and lives in a HUUUUUGE gated complex. i was so out of it when i left, i couldn't even tell you which apartment he was in, which floor he was even on. i THINK there was stairs?

and thanks for your support :)
ragdoll
Feb. 27th, 2003 11:49 am (UTC)
Oh baby, that's awful. It sounds like you might have been drugged -- all sorts of date rape shit out there. If nothing else, he obviously messed with your head enough to get you to do things you normally wouldn't do and if nothing else, that's just plain evil. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that shit. :-( *HUGS* I hope the people who know him do make his life a living hell. He deserves it.

Btw, you need to add me back to your friends list. I did something to purge my friends of list to get rid of annoying ppl and everyone else went with it. Somehow I was able to read this post anyway. I don't know how. But I'm glad I did. *hugs hugs hugs*
aubkabob
Feb. 27th, 2003 10:00 pm (UTC)
Re:
i hadn't drank the whole beer, only about maybe a third or half of it?
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