so, i think to myself "self? your bed just isn't comfy anymore. let's flip your mattress."
this was at about 11:45 p.m.
so, i go to flip my queen sized mattress.
keep in mind, i have a studio apartment, and a LOT of stuff. henceforth, my bed is surrounded on almost 3/4 of it's edges (i don't have a headboard) by either walls, end tables, or a desk. henceforth squared, there's a lot of maneuvering that needs to be done in order to flip the heavy mattress.
so, i strip to my bra and panties (not that i do this sort of thing normally in only my undies, but i had a bath waiting for me immediately afterwards, and didn't feel like doing physical labor in my jeans and button up shirt.), and pull the matteress up and towards me. as i lift it and get it on end in the middle of the bed, i come to the realization that what comes up, must go down, as well.
i clambor up over the edge of my desk to the back of my mattress, and start scootin the edge of the mattress towards the other side of the box spring. then comes the OTHER realization: that of Newton's laws of physics: that two things cannot occupy the same space at the same time. i have to somehow lay the mattress down, and transport myself to the other side of the bed, the side with the floor, simultaneously.
as i'm considering this, the boxspring under my feet cracks, my foot flies out from under me, and my elbow SLAMS into the wall that i share with my brand new neighbor. i let out an "EEP!" and then somehow get to the floor, scootcha scootchin my mattress to where it needs to be.
i wipe my brow, and grab the sheets that i plan on putting on the mattress. as i pull one end of the mattress back to slip on the corner of the fitted sheet, i can't get enough leverage to stick it under, so i keep pushing myself, and the mattress corner, back by smacking my hand on the wall and shoving. again, on the wall that i share with my new neighbor. i look at the clock. just after midnight.
so, all told, i'm certain that the first time i see my new neighbor, between the smacks and the grunting and eeping, i'm either going to get the most evil-est glare this side of congress, or one helluva round of applause.
also, flipped mattress, brand new clean sheets (that nutty gave me long, long ago), bubble bath, and brand new jammies that my mommy gave me for my birthday, made for one HELL of an effort to wake up this morning....
the whole time this was happening, i had Nickel Creek's "The Smoothie Song" going through my head. For those of you not familiar with the song, find it somewhere. I can't think of a better soundtrack for mattress flipping. You can almost smell my consternation when you hear it.