When asked my feelings, i was lyin.
So he left me one day,
got married, went away,
He left me without even tryin.
once upon a time, there was a guy. this boy. i had had a crush on said boy for almost a YEAR before we finally .. sorta .. got together. things lasted for two months (remember my two month curse), at which time...
well, to make a long story short, i'm now here in washington state, single as the day i was born.
and he was married and moved to minnesota less than a year after we stopped seeing each other.
i.. don't like how things ended. i had consdidered him a friend before anything had happened, and it saddens me that we lost touch (though his fiancee/wife would have liked to see my head on a post). i also hate about how... neurotic that i was at the whole time about it, about him.
why am i bringing this up now? ooooh, six years later?!??
because i keep having DREAMS about him. approximately one a week or so. i don't know where they are coming from, nor why i'm getting them (maybe a subconscious feeling it was unresolved?! that i had wanted to do things differently?), but it brings to mind that, as a friend, i wonder how he's doing. i wonder if the marriage worked out, (they were young.. well, he was 25, she was 19) and if it did, if they have kids.
i wonder if he still thinks about me.
while together, i had been afraid to let my true feelings show, something i've had problems with in all my 'relationships', which ultimately ends up pushing them away, because they think that i don't give a crap nearly as much as they do (at least, that's one small theory as to why my relationships fail). we had wonderful discussions that made each other think. he would always say he was dumb, and i wondered what on earth made someone so magnificent think that of themselves, and why couldn't he see the wonderful mind that i saw??
the dream i had last night, i was living in a beach town, and i saw him and his wife in a lamp/furniture store. i was going to go to the atm nearby, so that i could watch them, possibly make a chance encounter when they leave. when they left, he didn't even glance in my direction, though his wife saw me, and crowded around him protectively and snarled that he doesn't remember me, that he never cared.
i've also had dreams that he and i met as old friends to catch up with each other. and those dreams make me think as to how much my life has changed since then:
- workin at walmart for $6.25 an hour. no desire to find better work.
- didn't drive, had no desire to get a car, perfectly happy to bum rides from everyone or take the bus
- rented a small bedroom of a trailor from a friend, no desire to live by myself.
- extremely shy
- we went to karaoke bars together a couple of times, i told him i could NOT sing and would never even CONSIDER getting in front of people. heeeeeellll no.
before i left phoenix:
- had been a travel agent for years, making at least triple what i made at walmart
- had my jeep that i loved loved loved.
- had my own apartment and had lived by myself for 6 years.
- was the lead singer in a BAND, baybee!
i just wish sometimes, that we could just talk like old friends, even if it's just once, to catch up on things.
if he still remembers me. and cares to talk.