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a limric for you folks...

There once was a guy named Brian.
When asked my feelings, i was lyin.
So he left me one day,
got married, went away,
He left me without even tryin.

once upon a time, there was a guy. this boy. i had had a crush on said boy for almost a YEAR before we finally .. sorta .. got together. things lasted for two months (remember my two month curse), at which time...

well, to make a long story short, i'm now here in washington state, single as the day i was born.

and he was married and moved to minnesota less than a year after we stopped seeing each other.

i.. don't like how things ended. i had consdidered him a friend before anything had happened, and it saddens me that we lost touch (though his fiancee/wife would have liked to see my head on a post). i also hate about how... neurotic that i was at the whole time about it, about him.

why am i bringing this up now? ooooh, six years later?!??

because i keep having DREAMS about him. approximately one a week or so. i don't know where they are coming from, nor why i'm getting them (maybe a subconscious feeling it was unresolved?! that i had wanted to do things differently?), but it brings to mind that, as a friend, i wonder how he's doing. i wonder if the marriage worked out, (they were young.. well, he was 25, she was 19) and if it did, if they have kids.

i wonder if he still thinks about me.

while together, i had been afraid to let my true feelings show, something i've had problems with in all my 'relationships', which ultimately ends up pushing them away, because they think that i don't give a crap nearly as much as they do (at least, that's one small theory as to why my relationships fail). we had wonderful discussions that made each other think. he would always say he was dumb, and i wondered what on earth made someone so magnificent think that of themselves, and why couldn't he see the wonderful mind that i saw??

the dream i had last night, i was living in a beach town, and i saw him and his wife in a lamp/furniture store. i was going to go to the atm nearby, so that i could watch them, possibly make a chance encounter when they leave. when they left, he didn't even glance in my direction, though his wife saw me, and crowded around him protectively and snarled that he doesn't remember me, that he never cared.

i've also had dreams that he and i met as old friends to catch up with each other. and those dreams make me think as to how much my life has changed since then:

1996/97:

- workin at walmart for $6.25 an hour. no desire to find better work.
- didn't drive, had no desire to get a car, perfectly happy to bum rides from everyone or take the bus
- rented a small bedroom of a trailor from a friend, no desire to live by myself.
- extremely shy
- we went to karaoke bars together a couple of times, i told him i could NOT sing and would never even CONSIDER getting in front of people. heeeeeellll no.

before i left phoenix:

- had been a travel agent for years, making at least triple what i made at walmart
- had my jeep that i loved loved loved.
- had my own apartment and had lived by myself for 6 years.
- was the lead singer in a BAND, baybee!

i just wish sometimes, that we could just talk like old friends, even if it's just once, to catch up on things.

if he still remembers me. and cares to talk.

Comments

( 22 comments — Leave a comment )
reignsupreme
Jun. 22nd, 2003 04:05 pm (UTC)
"BARG!" + bonus free other interjections!
Hoi, Aubrey. I absolutely did not read this post at all, but rather randomly stumbled upon your username during my uphill battle with common decency.

This was Fry.

Er...nothing else.
aubkabob
Jun. 22nd, 2003 04:14 pm (UTC)
Re: "BARG!" + bonus free other interjections!
hey, Fry!! as in Vancouver Fry?
reignsupreme
Jul. 5th, 2003 12:27 am (UTC)
Re: "BARG!" + bonus free other interjections!
You know more than one?
aubkabob
Jul. 5th, 2003 06:19 pm (UTC)
Re: "BARG!" + bonus free other interjections!
lol - actually, now that you mention it.. no!
helga_zelda
Jun. 22nd, 2003 04:59 pm (UTC)
holy moley
everyone I know has been dreaming about the past today. What is wrong with us? Regrets and remorse do not make for good summer vibes! There are plenty of people who love you for what you are now... so call in the ghost busters and get this horrid ex out of your head! x
aubkabob
Jun. 23rd, 2003 12:49 am (UTC)
Re: holy moley
awwww! thanks, dearie!!

my thoughts exactly. which is why i started busting my ass even more looking for a job and into moving my life forward, instead of dwelling on the 'what was' and 'what ifs'.
aditu
Jun. 22nd, 2003 06:24 pm (UTC)
I too wistfully regret how it ended with my two exes. The first in particular, we had the wonderful conversations you mentioned. Both because I was so psychotic afterwards, which is why we aren't friends. I think I've had a dream or two about the more recent one recently. I think with him things were particularly messy and were never resolved. The first we at least had a nice phone conversation where we forgave each other and said goodbye. The other presumably still hates me. I wish it could be different, yet don't care to have contact with him again. I think he scares me.
Anyway.
aubkabob
Jun. 23rd, 2003 12:47 am (UTC)
Re:
lol - maybe it is my subconscious telling me that i have regrets about it being unresolved?

*shrug* nothing i can do about it, really. i imagine there's approximately 4 million and one brain olsons in minnesota, or even arizona, if he ended up going back.

plus, i would feel like a goon trying to contact him. so it's all in his court *shrug* i'm easy enough to find online (so i've been told *shudder*)
aditu
Jun. 23rd, 2003 06:08 am (UTC)
Hmm, well, I haven't met any Brian Olsons yet, but I'll let you know if I run into him. ;)
aubkabob
Jun. 25th, 2003 12:25 pm (UTC)
Re:
thanks :)
(Deleted comment)
aubkabob
Jun. 23rd, 2003 07:48 pm (UTC)
Re:
wow. weird. i take it from the responses to this post that i got, that it seems to be a mild epidemic!
inkedout
Jun. 22nd, 2003 07:55 pm (UTC)
so you have a two-month curse as well? this doesn't sound good, i know it as i type it, but it's nice to know that i'm not the only one. and that goes for the seeming to not care thing as well ... which is something that i have yet to figure out because i'm the kind of person who won't get into a relationship with someone i don't care about.

anyway, since i rarely remember my dreams, i have something similar in that i think about a couple of exes a lot. way more than i would care to. especially this one ... but i don't want to get into that. the point is that i can understand how you would want to check in on him just as a friend. it's probably a better idea that you don't, but i can totally understand if you do anyway.

good luck with whichever, or at least with shaking those dreams.
aubkabob
Jun. 23rd, 2003 01:20 pm (UTC)
Re:
im certainly not brave enough to call the guy up. egads, no!! too much risk involved, i.e. ESPECIALLY if he's still married.

yes, i dated a guy once for 3 months, but that was when i was 15, and i kissed the guy like 6 times. other than that, ALL of my relationships have lasted only 2 months, usually a bit less than that, but not a day more.

cept one that i dated for two months, then we broke up and just slept together monogamously for 6 more.
jaddziadax
Jun. 22nd, 2003 08:27 pm (UTC)
heh, 2 months eh?? the last two guys that i officially dated were like 2 weeks, i am so HS, but then again i have had a sum total of 3 official BFs.... heh, maybe I'll change my ways and get a better job?? youre pretty inspiring
aubkabob
Jun. 23rd, 2003 05:27 pm (UTC)
Re:
my last one i don't think we even hit a month and a half. we slept together twice, the second time, i had a feeling it was over, because he sat up and said '*grunt* at least it wasn't as bad as the first time.'

lol.

course, the FIRST time, i kept falling asleep!
jaddziadax
Jun. 24th, 2003 07:23 pm (UTC)
heh, yeah i can see that comming to a halt lol.

if he is that bad that you cant stay awake lol...
aubkabob
Jun. 25th, 2003 03:24 pm (UTC)
Re:
lol!!! that was MY take on the matter!
xyr0
Jun. 22nd, 2003 11:12 pm (UTC)
i miss my first ex a lot..we're still best friends, so i see her a lot..it hurts to see her sometimes, part of my subconcious still thinks we are together. My other ex i miss, but things wouldn't work out.

Now on to your dream. Ok, sounds like you know his wife hates you, and he is olivious. But by her sheltering him like that, it sounds like she is making him not know you, but you may still be in his subconcious. And a beach town, and a lamp store, beach could be interpretted as a vacation, perhaps a vacation to his town, where you will get that chance encounter. And the lamp store could be interpretted as somewhere full of light, maybe even broad daylight.

So if my attempt at reading dreams is right, you will go on a vacation to meet him and it will be during the day, or in a nightclub (place of light) or something. And his wife will still hate you, but he may remember you.
aubkabob
Jun. 29th, 2003 03:19 pm (UTC)
Re:
that sounds pretty close..

water in dreams ALWAYS (well, 95% of the time) signifies emotion in some form. since i was far away from the water, i may have been blocking myself off from my emotions regarding it (there was a fence between me and the beach, i was sitting on a park bench, watching the waves roll in, but wouldn't get close to them.
xyr0
Jul. 1st, 2003 01:33 pm (UTC)
ahh, an emotional block, tat is very likely. hmm..whee i am getting better at the reading of the dreams and stuff.
aubkabob
Jul. 4th, 2003 12:28 pm (UTC)
Re:
hooray!

i have been meaning to put in some tips and tricks about interpreting dreams in my dream community, nitetime_expres ...
(Deleted comment)
aubkabob
Jun. 25th, 2003 03:17 pm (UTC)
Re:
exactly. which is why i'm definitely not going out of my way to look him up. besides, how awful would it be if i called and he was still married?!? to the same woman that wanted to claw my eyes out back in the day?!?
( 22 comments — Leave a comment )

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