September 6th, 2003

disco star

(no subject)

interesting, very intricate dreams where brosely and i went back to monticello, iowa, where we both spent the first of our lives. i was so angry in my dream that i hadn't been able to remember everything. i remember standing on a street corner and closing my eyes and making my brain hurt from the exertion of trying to remember what the main street intersection by the dime store used to look like. was there a post office? what WAS that building on the corner?

and there was snow all around. but it wasn't cold. i could smell it and feel it, but i wasn't even remotely cold.

later, jess and i were standing in line to cash my check or something, and there was a horrendous car accident in the intersection. the police arrived and tried to keep everyone calm and get everything organized. frobear showed up, and we caught up on old times. (he was the head police guy's son)..

plans for today? dunno. bathing, for sure. methinks i'll bathe and see if someone wants to go eat chinese with me. i want chinese. i haven't had chinese in MONTHS. i doubt jess will be up yet, so i'll prolly hop on the bus and go by myself. i also need shoes and pants. maybe i'll go to value village. we'll see.

but right now, i have to go potty.

I watched you build a castle on the beach one rainy day
I saw it fall apart and roll out with the tide
I think there's something metaphoric that I'm trying to say
Open up your soap box and just crawl inside
  • Current Music
    Marvelous 3 - Until You See
disco star

memories..

i woke up this morning, sat up, stretched, and looked over. i saw an envelope of pictures i had developed right before i moved up here. so i opened it up, and perused through the envelope.

inside, i found:

- my Halloween cruise
- my Sandy Eggo boys
- the department Christmas party at the ICE Gallery
- The Vacant Stairs
- my trip to Dallas
- a night at Big D's with Cheap Bastard
- various nights out with my friends

it was a very eclectic mix of photos. i hadn't been as fervent with taking pictures my last year in phoenix, apparantly.

it also made me realize something:

that was my LIFE. my life that i had single handedly created: my friends, my band, my career, my vacation. it was my entire WORLD, and i had done it, had created it all by myself.

and i have none of it now.

i mean, i have a few sporadic friends, but working 2 jobs keeps me too busy to hang out with them much anymore. i have my family, which is one thing i hadn't had there. i have two jobs, but neither that i would consider to be even remotely a career.

but that was my life after 6 1/2, 7 years. i've been here 4 months.

instead of causing me to feel extremely nostalgic (although there were certainly twangs..) , it made me actually feel a bit optimistic about the future.

i've been here 4 months. i have 2 jobs, a circle of friends, my FAMILY.

when i had been in phoenix for 4 months, i had completely alienated the only friends i knew when i moved down there, i worked part time at wal mart only, and was roommates with my creepy ex manager from burger king that would call me from his work to tell me how peaceful i looked when i was sleeping and who would flip out any time i talked to a guy at all, and tell me that he was planning on getting a gun soon.

by that measure, i would say i'm actually ahead of the game here.

Time won't stand by forever if I know it's true
And I've learned not to say never
Or else I'll seem the fool
Twenty-nine you'd think I'd know better
Living like a kid
When my lies may seem less than clever
Is when I fall for it
Only time will tell if wishing wells
Can bring us anything
Or fade like scenes from childhood dreams
Forgotten memories
Collapse )
  • Current Mood
    okay okay
disco star

(no subject)

also...

yesterday would have been my 8 year anniversary for moving to phoenix.

and, instead of posting again about what life was like when i rolled into phoenix, i will just point you to HERE.

i can't believe it's been EIGHT YEARS.

i can't believe what i experienced in that time, what i've become in comparison.

i wonder much about what the next 8 years will bring.
  • Current Mood
    amazed
disco star

(no subject)

i usually repost these things in my blog journal, aubreystar, but i came across this and wanted to share it with you guys:

Originally posted Tuesday, June 19th, 2001:

THINGS YOU MAY/MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT ME.

- i am 5'7".

- i have dark brown eyes that have dark green in them, seen only in direct sunlight.

- i am Irish and German.

- i played guitar, bass, and piano before having surgery on my right wrist at 17.

- i sing, have won several karaoke contests, can do a mean impression of Alanis.

- i have a loaf of bread stashed under my desk.

- i have small feet.

- my last pets were a cat named Rufus George Underfoot and two hermit crabs named Sunshine and James.

- I used to be an evil bitch to men, and i mean not just evil but evIL, for a period of about 2 years, after getting my heart completely torn in two. I'm a lot better now. *angelic smile*

- i'm severely hypoglycemic, which means I can never ever eat sugar, any grains, simple carbohydrates, no pasta, no glazes, no nothing, other than, basically, some vegetables, few fruits, and meat. My fasting blood sugar level is 59.

- the most I ever weighed was 215 lbs., a little more than 6 years ago, when i was a vegetarian living outside of Washington DC (not that that's related in any way)

- i once lived in 6 states within 12 months.

- i left home 3 months after my 18th birthday, and never moved back.

- i came from an EXTREMELY poor family. i mean EXTREMELY. living offa church food donations, getting all our clothes from churches, etc.

- i have a 2 month curse with men. Never had any type of relationship last more than 2 months. The only exception was a 3 monther, when i was 15, and i kissed the guy like 5 times the whole time we were dating.

- my i.q. is 125.

- my father is an alcoholic, and my mother is a drug-addict with a felony past.

- i've worked jobs such as assistant manager for an apartment complex, a karaoke host, a travel agent, and was training to be a carpenter.

- i can move my pinky toes without moving any other toes.

- i had bad, and i mean BAAAAD acne during that time i was 215 lbs., so bad that a complete stranger once stopped me to give her sympathy. Now, I MAYBE get one zit a month.

- during this time, i went on a blind date, where the guy came to pic me up, stood there nervously, said he was going to the 7-11 to pick up beer. After he left, I remembered he was only 19. I never heard from him again.

- i had a deathwish as a teenager. i would drink heavily, wander the streets at night, hop into the car with anyone that would stop to offer me a ride. i was convinced that i was to die violently by my hands, or by the hands of others, before my 19th birthday.

- i've gone through phases: rocker phase, punk phase, skater phase, greenpeace phase, vegetarian phase, goth phase, preppy phase. I have pictures of my different hairstyles/clothing to support this (unfortunately).

- I once flew from Arizona all the way to Washington DC just to see my favorite band play. A few months later, I drove to LA to do the same.

- I come from a long line of rednecks.

- I have driven from coast to coast.

- This March, i saw it snow for the first time in 6 years, my last winter being spent in St. Paul, MN.

***************

a lot of these are out of date.. i had been meaning to do a more recent list of these.

maybe i will someday.
disco star

feelng meh.

i feel.. meh.. tonight.

my day off, while fun, didn't feel like a day off.

i feel sad at having to go to work tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. for a meeting at michaels, then working at office max 10 am until close.

i don't get another day off until next friday. after that? not a clue.

i'm so tired.

and there's no end in sight.

i'll try to find time/energy to look for a full time non-retail position. hopefully, the fact that i'm gainfully employed will assist in the matter of getting alternative employment, as the saying goes.

plusses: next friday, when i'm off, is the lj drinkup. i plan on going and meeting other ljers. groovy. i'll hate life the next morning when i have to work, though.

the following friday is dada. i hear i get to play there. i picked up my guitar for the first time in forever and played until my fingers were raw (which, since i have hardly played in the last month, wasn't very long..). that brought me happiness i had forgotten i had when i play and sing. (although i sang quietly, so as to not disturb the neighbors, and although the only audience member was my bro on his computer..) sadness? i cannot find my song books ANYWHERE. argh.

also, wanna see some kittens?!?
  • Current Mood
    weary