September 29th, 2003

disco star

(no subject)

the phone rang a zillion times this morning. in my half awakeness, i thought that maybe my dad was calling, or someone was calling to give me bad news about my father.

i didn't realize it was going to be about my OTHER father.

my stepfather, brosely's dad, had a heart attack last night. he had to be sent to a hospital a state away, it was so bad. he is currently in Memphis, Tennessee.

He is in ICU until further notice.

I feel.... sick.

I'm so thankful i'm home from work today, so that i wouldn't have to deal with this there.

Ray was, in a lot of respects, more of my father than my real father. i mean, my real biological father has always been daddy to me, and he and i have a good relationship now that i'm grown and everything, but Ray was there from the time i was 2 years old, until 20, when i stayed with him briefly, shortly after our mother had been thrown in prison, before moving to arizona. We still have a great relationship.

God, i don't know how to deal with this. i wouldn't know how to even BEGIN to deal with this, should we lose him.

i'm going to go be with my brother now.
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    scared scared
disco star

(no subject)

home from spending entirely too much money.

bought the messenger bag, instead of the backpack. bought two pins so that it wouldn't look naked on its way home: one of Gir taking his doggay suit off, one of Snoopy kicking Lucy. bought 4 lipsticks and 2 eyeshadows on clearance at Sally's: 49 cents each, and buy one/get one free. bought Excedrin to help me through the long day tomorrow, and coffee filters and creamer. spent too much money on chinese food.

i'm tired and emotionally drained, as is my brother probably. still no news from the step mother in regards to how he is doing, but in this case, i'm assuming that no news is good news.

i'm telling both jobs as i go into them tomorrow what the situation is, and that if my family calls at all, that i HAVE to take the call, regardless where i'm at or what i'm doing, and that if it's a call for the worse, that i will certainly be leaving early.

it's. weird. i mean, Ray is so much younger than my mom and my real father, so i never thought in a million years that we would be going through this with him first.

jess and i were talking about a possible funeral. neither he nor i know how we would find the money to get to missouri for a funeral. but there would be no choice. i would never forgive myself if i didn't go.

but that's jumping ahead. we don't know anything yet, and... i dunno.

i'm just.. tired.

and i so don't want to work 15 hours tomorrow, especially because i have zero transportation to get home. i'm getting off after the bus stops running, and no one i work with works in this direction, and mom's boyfriend no longer has a car. part of me wishes i could be here all day to sit by the phone and wait for more news, but that certainly wouldn't be constructive. it will give me something to do to keep my mind off things.

but i'll worry about that when it gets here.

mom wants to chat and be chipper and such. i don't. i don't feel like gabbing much. i need to bathe and go to bed.

and i had very.. interesting and disturbing dreams last night. maybe i'll record them in my sullen monotone before i go to bed tonight, and before they leave my memory..