January 9th, 2006

stress

this post has been un-sugar coated.

yes, i hath returned. i couldn't completely delete my journal, anyway, although i became so unenamored with things in livejournal and my circle of 'friends' that i had to do .. SOMETHING. and since i couldn't even stand to look at aubkabob any longer, i deleted it.

what triggered it, you ask? (i knew you would.) basically, after working 50-60 hours a week over the holidays, getting little to no sleep, and stressing out over going back to school after a 12 year absence, things were a bit strenuous. you will remember, too, that i was working so much that i even pulled an almost 24 hour shift, getting little sleep, and going in for another however many hours. i put in over 40 hours within 3 1/2 days at one job, neveryoumind how many i put in at the other job, too.

shortly after my last post on the first, some of you had the GALL to tell me i was an awful friend because i hadn't been reading your journal, or responding to posts or responses. one person occasionally, i could understand, but suddenly many of you were coming out of the woodwork to tell me what a horrible person i was because i wasn't stopping in my busy REAL life in order to pet and pamper your egos.

you know what? i have a life. granted, my life isn't overly exciting, but it is a LIFE. i do adore my online friends greatly. i feel closer to some of you than i do to most people IN this real life i lead. however, the way i tend to my journal... remember. it is MY journal. i have stated several times that even in good, slow times, i can tend to take up to six months to respond to things. if you don't like it? there's the door. i will not be offended if you delete me because you feel that we don't have enough interaction. i WILL, however, be offended if you decide to attack ME.

i'm certain that things will certainly change now that i am in school, too. last week, i worked 42 hours from 330 pm to late night, as WELL as went to school from 7 am until noon, EVERY DAY. my life is now consisting of only work and school and very little sleep. i'm certain that the topic of my posts will change, too, as i have realized that i actually REALLY like this school thing, and thusly will be blabbering about it quite extensively. if you don't like it? again, defriend me, and no offense will be taken.

this post may seem harsh, and for that, i do NOT apologize. this is also not geared towards one person, but towards all of you. if you do not like me and how i keep my journal or deal with my responses, this is your easy way out. i have zero time or emotions to devote to pampering your asses. if you are willing to take me as i am, good and the bad, and are able to have civilized conversations, by all means, feel free to stay.
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(no subject)

and because some of you were asking...

... i really REALLY like school. not necessarily sitting in class, my 7 am math class is especially difficult to sit through (not necessarily because of the teacher - Professor Gadbury is a swell guy and a good teacher - i think it's mainly because it's SEVEN AY EM and MATH), but even the school work. i'm finding that i remember so much of math that i had TOTALLY forgotten about. if things continue to run this smoothly in math, then methinks that next quarter, i'll take the course that combines the next two classes up from 030 into one fell swoooop. that way, i can get to all the FUN stuff, like CADAVERS!

mwa ha haaaa.

the english class is WAY different than i thought it would be. i LOVE my teacher, he's very knowledgeable and very good at what he does (and reminds me quite a bit of robin williams in dead poets society). however, i don't know what i thought it would entail, but certainly not what it DOES. i had seen that it was described as Creative Writing, but i didn't know that it was CRITICAL creative writing. meaning essay after essay about breaking down other people's essays and advertisements and such. i always did well in high school with fictional writing, so at first, i was alarmed. then i came to my senses and realized that there is MUCH to be learned from this class. i may become a better writer overall. by being forced to work creatively outside of my comfort zone, i shall be able to expand my writing ability. i'm very excited to see if even my journal entries change a bit by the time that i'm finished with the course.

i also LOVE the homework. i have 3 hours between classes, with nothing to do BUT homework. i find that on days where i have zero homework to do, that i fall asleep almost immediately in the library. i become bored and listless and almost frustrated. it's like i ENJOY sitting there, evaluating problem after problem. i am almost sad that we don't have to do MORE homework.

though i'm certain that as i get up there in the class structure towards my degree, that i shall change my tune about that ;)

college is turning out to be all the things i loved about high school: the learning. the teachers. the FOOD! and lacks all the things i HATED about high school: the social anxiety, the jerks and the jocks, the being told that i am too smart to take things step by step and must skip things in order to 'enhance my education'. here, i can talk to people or not talk to people. i can learn at my own pace.

fuck, yeah.

i'm already excitedly looking forward to what classes i shall take next quarter, which starts in april. math, for certain. and i only have enough financial aid to take one more class besides that, so maybe nutrition? i shall talk to an advisor between now and then to see what doesn't require math 101 completed with a B as a prereq (like chemistry does).

so yeah, that's my schooling so far in a nutshell. part of me is sort of thankful that i waited until i was 30 to go back because before this, i don't think i could have appreciated and applied myself like i can now. up until 25, my life was one big party. from 25 to 30 was a transitionary phase. it was about self exploration, discovering who i was and what i wanted to become. it's almost as if the second i turned 30, everything just... fell into place.

yanno? it's been a good year.

but now methinks i'm coming down with an awful cold. my throat is KILLING me and it hurts to talk. funny that i would miss work in a heartbeat over school. granted, other than quiz day on friday and major test days, i don't think i NEEEED to go to math class, meaning if i miss a day or two here or there, my grade will not suffer. but too much happens in english.