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st. paul-stalgia

Nothing's so loud
As hearing when we lie
Truth is not kind
And you said neither am I

And the air outside's so soft
Saying everything

All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, feel the same....

I'm listening to Toad the Wet Sprocket for the first time in FOREVER. i miss these guys. i wish whole heartedly that i had known who they were, when they were still around. i mean, sure, they did some reunion shows, but they were mostly in California.

I had discovered their music when living in St. Paul, Minnesota, when Dulcinea came out. It was by far thee most lonely time in my life. maybe some day i'll go into the sheer horridness of my life while going to school in St. Paul. The horrible people i dealt with, the alienating circumstances i went through, where i was able to find my sanctuary. i will just tell you that during that five months, i told myself repeatedly "if i can make it through this, i can make it through ANYTHING.", and that still today, i believe it. i made it through my misadventures in St. Paul, thusly, i can make it through anything else. and so far, it's true. not a day went by while there, that i didn't consider throwing in the bag and running home with my tail between my legs. but i didn't. and i feel a bit of.. invincibility.. now because of it.

She said "i'm fine. i'm okay"
Cover up your trembling hands
There's indecision when you know
you ain't got nothing left.
Well the good times never stay
and the cheap thrills always seem to fade away
When will we fall down..

during that time, i was listening to what i want to call 'normal' music for the first time ever, instead of metal. because of this, certain music, certain albums, became the soundtrack to that period of my life. Dulcinea. New Miserable Experience. Automatic for the People. Everybody Else is Doing it, So Why Can't We? Violent Femmes. To this day, i hear music from those titles, and it takes me back, and tugs on all my heartstrings. no matter where i am, i feel.. i feel ALONE.. again, although it's more like a sore tooth that you play with repeatedly, though you know that in touching it, it will hurt and keep the hurt from going away. Okay, maybe it's not like that at all...

i like to put the headphones on, and listen to those creations and close my eyes. i taste the past memory of soul searching and endless walks. i smell the crisp snow and the dusky fall leaves. i listen to all the notes - the bass, the acoustic guitar, the solemn voice - all intertwining into a sad melody. it fills my soul with pure emotion.

i think that is one of THEE biggest reasons why i wanted to become a musician. so much music in my life escorted me through difficult, happy, languid, or emotional times. they were the soundtrack to my life.

And i can't feel much hope for anything
If i won't be there to catch you if you fall...

i want the opportunity to become the soundtrack to someone else's. What a thrill that would be, knowing that people would use my work in conversations like i do others today. using quotes on icons, on webpages, in journals (my paper journal i kept years ago, i would end with a song quote every night.).

it's not an ego thing, really. i just would love the opportunity and capability to inspire people as others have inspired me. To fill people with emotion and longing. Even if it's only one or two people, my work will have been done.

Sorry, i'm rambling. i don't know what i'm even trying to say. i shall drink my coffee now.

And it won't matter now
Whatever happens will be
Though the air speaks of all we'll never be
It won't trouble me..


( 21 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 16th, 2003 04:50 pm (UTC)
The lead singer for Toad opened for Counting Crows when I saw them last year. Such a treat, such a treat.
Aug. 16th, 2003 04:58 pm (UTC)
Glen Phillips is definitely one of my biggest musical influences. It's like he puts so much emotion into his words and songs without even trying. and acoustical genious (in my eyes).

when i first discovered Nickel Creek, and i began to love them and their musical ability very deeply, i was EXTREMELY happy to know that they and Glen write together all the time. in fact, the first reunion Toad show was with Nickel Creek. I almost wet myself with desire to go to that one, boy howdee. if i had the money, and knew ANYTHING about SFO, i would have been there.

but, alas.
Aug. 16th, 2003 05:38 pm (UTC)
That is so me. I came to love both bands out of sheer accident, and to find out they had collaborated nearly made me.....well, I just won't say it.
Sep. 26th, 2003 05:18 pm (UTC)
it made me cream in my jeans.
Oct. 1st, 2003 01:40 am (UTC)
Do women technically "cream" their jeans...or do they just wet them?
Oct. 2nd, 2003 12:24 pm (UTC)
weeellllll, it depends upon the.. hole it comes out of? if it's pee, then yes, they wet them. if it's the hoo ha, and coming out because of excitement, it would be cream. *nod*
Aug. 16th, 2003 06:06 pm (UTC)
Where did you go to school?
I'm sorry you didn't like it here (well, I'm technically in a suburb of Minneapolis, but still..)...
I have a lot of music like that, stuff I listened to a lot when I was really unhappy in college...I hear it and immediately am back there. Sort of bittersweet.
Aug. 21st, 2003 09:40 pm (UTC)
it was at the Hubert Humphrey Job Corps center, at the TCU program for advance training in Business and TRansportation, up on Snelling... i used to work (very briefly) at the Imaginarium and the Warner Bros. Studio store in the Rosedale Mall, and saw all my movies then at Har Mar :)

it was the worst of times, outwardly, but as far as inner growth and self searching, it was the best of times.
Aug. 21st, 2003 09:40 pm (UTC)
in fact, a few years later, i had considered moving back...
Aug. 16th, 2003 06:54 pm (UTC)
Dulcinea was the first TTWS album I ever heard and I loved it instantly. Glen and company have this...way...of getting to the heart of (often unhappy) relationships. "Beginnings" just makes me want to cry every time I hear it...it's so beautiful.

Dulcineat and Coil are my two favorites. :)
Sep. 26th, 2003 05:20 pm (UTC)
ironic that when i get to this reply, i'm listening to dulcinea for the first time in over a year. i mean, i had been listening to p.s., but not dulcinea specifically.

*sways back and forth with the music*

yes. they had an amazing way with music and with words.
Aug. 16th, 2003 08:35 pm (UTC)
the first toad cd i heard was coil... and i was 10... so... it didnt really mean as much to me--
Sep. 19th, 2003 01:06 pm (UTC)
Re: re
i was for the most part a late bloomer.. i had heard their music on the radio all the time, fell in love with it, but didn't put two and two together that it was them that was creating these wonders until much later when i was living in phoenix, and they had all but broken up.

Aug. 16th, 2003 09:45 pm (UTC)
what a beautiful post!!
I'm putting this in my memories, and I hope you do the same, I loved this post..
Sep. 26th, 2003 05:23 pm (UTC)
Re: what a beautiful post!!
aww, thank you, luv.. it always shocks me and flatters the hell out of me whenever someone wants to put MY posts in THEIR memories ;)

i should put it in there...
Aug. 17th, 2003 09:09 am (UTC)
Just like you I experienced the same thing in highschool, very lonely, sad and heartbreaking time for me. Music was very important to me at the time, without it I wouldn't have made it though, and some songs can come on now from that time and just make me cry, brining back all of those emotions, the pain, the sadness. I can't listen to them anymore, but there are other things I do like that tooth to bring up more pain, and I'm not sure why. Music was HUGE for me then, I was finally getting into music that was different from mainstream, and I was slowly discovering who I was and that I didn't have to be like everyone else and it was difficult being that alone. Like John Mayer said, "Everybody is just a stranger but that's the danger in going my own way" I hope that your music is an inspiration to people, when I buy your first albulm, I'll write my story to you of exactly what emotional heartstrings the music pulled for me. :)
Aug. 25th, 2003 02:56 pm (UTC)
hee hee! i love how you said "when", not "if"!! that means a lot, lemme tell you!

and i definitely look forward to seeing if my music effects others like it effects me when i write it.

i feel sad for those that aren't as in love with music as i (we) are. i mean, it's brought so much joy to my life on so many levels, how can they not FEEL that?!?!
Aug. 25th, 2003 08:25 pm (UTC)
exactly! like when I meet people with small CD collections or without a favorite band, I'm just perplexed...
Aug. 26th, 2003 09:59 pm (UTC)
abso freaking lutely.

just like my mother, for example, she is the one that tought me to have an exstensive musical love and to love things from almost all genres, and she NEVER listens to music anymore!
Aug. 18th, 2003 10:19 am (UTC)
Toad's music got me through my tumultuous teen years, and it wasn't until much more recently when I started listening to the music and lyrics again that I understood why.

Seeing Toad in concert in February was an amazing experience. It was almost spiritual. I cried.

*goes to listen to PS*
Aug. 25th, 2003 03:07 pm (UTC)
i so very badly want to see them in concert. and nickel creek, of course! ^_^

maybe someday, i'll get lucky!
( 21 comments — Leave a comment )


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