As hearing when we lie
Truth is not kind
And you said neither am I
And the air outside's so soft
All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, feel the same....
I'm listening to Toad the Wet Sprocket for the first time in FOREVER. i miss these guys. i wish whole heartedly that i had known who they were, when they were still around. i mean, sure, they did some reunion shows, but they were mostly in California.
I had discovered their music when living in St. Paul, Minnesota, when Dulcinea came out. It was by far thee most lonely time in my life. maybe some day i'll go into the sheer horridness of my life while going to school in St. Paul. The horrible people i dealt with, the alienating circumstances i went through, where i was able to find my sanctuary. i will just tell you that during that five months, i told myself repeatedly "if i can make it through this, i can make it through ANYTHING.", and that still today, i believe it. i made it through my misadventures in St. Paul, thusly, i can make it through anything else. and so far, it's true. not a day went by while there, that i didn't consider throwing in the bag and running home with my tail between my legs. but i didn't. and i feel a bit of.. invincibility.. now because of it.
She said "i'm fine. i'm okay"
Cover up your trembling hands
There's indecision when you know
you ain't got nothing left.
Well the good times never stay
and the cheap thrills always seem to fade away
When will we fall down..
during that time, i was listening to what i want to call 'normal' music for the first time ever, instead of metal. because of this, certain music, certain albums, became the soundtrack to that period of my life. Dulcinea. New Miserable Experience. Automatic for the People. Everybody Else is Doing it, So Why Can't We? Violent Femmes. To this day, i hear music from those titles, and it takes me back, and tugs on all my heartstrings. no matter where i am, i feel.. i feel ALONE.. again, although it's more like a sore tooth that you play with repeatedly, though you know that in touching it, it will hurt and keep the hurt from going away. Okay, maybe it's not like that at all...
i like to put the headphones on, and listen to those creations and close my eyes. i taste the past memory of soul searching and endless walks. i smell the crisp snow and the dusky fall leaves. i listen to all the notes - the bass, the acoustic guitar, the solemn voice - all intertwining into a sad melody. it fills my soul with pure emotion.
i think that is one of THEE biggest reasons why i wanted to become a musician. so much music in my life escorted me through difficult, happy, languid, or emotional times. they were the soundtrack to my life.
And i can't feel much hope for anything
If i won't be there to catch you if you fall...
i want the opportunity to become the soundtrack to someone else's. What a thrill that would be, knowing that people would use my work in conversations like i do others today. using quotes on icons, on webpages, in journals (my paper journal i kept years ago, i would end with a song quote every night.).
it's not an ego thing, really. i just would love the opportunity and capability to inspire people as others have inspired me. To fill people with emotion and longing. Even if it's only one or two people, my work will have been done.
Sorry, i'm rambling. i don't know what i'm even trying to say. i shall drink my coffee now.
And it won't matter now
Whatever happens will be
Though the air speaks of all we'll never be
It won't trouble me..