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i woke up this morning, sat up, stretched, and looked over. i saw an envelope of pictures i had developed right before i moved up here. so i opened it up, and perused through the envelope.

inside, i found:

- my Halloween cruise
- my Sandy Eggo boys
- the department Christmas party at the ICE Gallery
- The Vacant Stairs
- my trip to Dallas
- a night at Big D's with Cheap Bastard
- various nights out with my friends

it was a very eclectic mix of photos. i hadn't been as fervent with taking pictures my last year in phoenix, apparantly.

it also made me realize something:

that was my LIFE. my life that i had single handedly created: my friends, my band, my career, my vacation. it was my entire WORLD, and i had done it, had created it all by myself.

and i have none of it now.

i mean, i have a few sporadic friends, but working 2 jobs keeps me too busy to hang out with them much anymore. i have my family, which is one thing i hadn't had there. i have two jobs, but neither that i would consider to be even remotely a career.

but that was my life after 6 1/2, 7 years. i've been here 4 months.

instead of causing me to feel extremely nostalgic (although there were certainly twangs..) , it made me actually feel a bit optimistic about the future.

i've been here 4 months. i have 2 jobs, a circle of friends, my FAMILY.

when i had been in phoenix for 4 months, i had completely alienated the only friends i knew when i moved down there, i worked part time at wal mart only, and was roommates with my creepy ex manager from burger king that would call me from his work to tell me how peaceful i looked when i was sleeping and who would flip out any time i talked to a guy at all, and tell me that he was planning on getting a gun soon.

by that measure, i would say i'm actually ahead of the game here.

Time won't stand by forever if I know it's true
And I've learned not to say never
Or else I'll seem the fool
Twenty-nine you'd think I'd know better
Living like a kid
When my lies may seem less than clever
Is when I fall for it
Only time will tell if wishing wells
Can bring us anything
Or fade like scenes from childhood dreams
Forgotten memories
Some rides don't have much of a finish
That's the ride I took
Through good and bad and straight through indifference
Without a second look
There's no intentions worthy of mention
If we never try
So hang your hopes on rusted-out hinges
Take 'em for a ride
Only time will tell if wishing wells
Can bring us anything
Or fade like scenes from childhood dreams
Forgotten memories
Only time will tell...


( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 6th, 2003 01:04 pm (UTC)
Yay that you're sorting things out!
And eeep at the scary ex-manager!
Sep. 19th, 2003 01:26 pm (UTC)
yeah, i've been looking at situations a lot more optimistically lately (or at least trying to)..

it still blows me away i'm even HERE.
Sep. 6th, 2003 01:13 pm (UTC)
Yikes, the creepy guys sounds...well...creepy.

I'm glad you're doing well. *offers hugs*
Nov. 13th, 2003 08:47 pm (UTC)
Re: Hey...
thank you, dear! after rereading this, i'm still quite optomistic about being here, although a little bit frightened of letting the surroundings hold me back and tie me down.

only time will tell, i guess!
Sep. 6th, 2003 01:40 pm (UTC)
you're right, sometimes it is odd to sit back and look at the course of your life, in the big picture. while moving around and uprooting your life can be difficult, i'm glad that you're optimistic about heading in the right direction. :)

(and yes, your ex-manager does seem like the epitome of creepyness and all manners of creepy things. eek!)
Nov. 13th, 2003 08:50 pm (UTC)
months later, i'm still quite optomistic.. i think (and hope) that the chunk of pessimism that has been surrounding me lately is because of not having any privacy at all over the course of the last 7 months.

i spose we'll find out after i get out of here!
Sep. 6th, 2003 01:41 pm (UTC)
A Dimension of Sight, Sound & Employment
Kinda funny, how life arranges itself I mean. We've adjusted to shared living again (with family), found work, are earning money again, yet... its not enough. The old life, independent, coming and going, dressing & undressing, is just so much more appealing no matter how pressing the situation was that made it impossible to be there (its always money isn't it? Little green slips of paper! I could scream.).

Now life is stability, sort of, with only more of it promised in the immediate future. Thats just not fun, the universe is supposed to be chaotic, and what we're in is.. not stable, not chaos, but.. er.. a twilight zone (I was gonna say purgatory, but both terms are kinda cliche's and TZ is much more interestng place to be at). Its worst for me when I get the urge to fornicate, I so loved having a love-pad of my own, just a nice bit of control there (if this theoretical "her" had roomates, my single bedroom was always at hand = control).

The only good news is, it isn't going to be this way *forever*, just, for ah.. a while. Sit and stew, step & repeat, get out once in a while or freak out on the 'puter when you can't. The universe may not be chaotic after all but at least its decaying, slowly, and all this will just be carbon hanging in void, ashes for the next one.

Wow, didn't mean to get down there. On second thought, don't listen to me, I'm just a fool.

-Foolish Panic
Sep. 19th, 2003 12:44 pm (UTC)
Re: A Dimension of Sight, Sound & Employment
lol - yeah, sit and stew is a lot of what i've been doing lately.. when i'm at work, i wish i were home.. when i'm home, i wish i were elsewhere ;)

lately, it's the little things that i miss most: sitting in SILENCE, or listening to music as i do whatever, no need to talk, unless it's mindlessly to myself. my mother likes to talk. constantly. at all times. i also HATE not being able to find things where i left them, i.e. deodorant, toothpaste, my freaking PAJAMAS... *sigh*

yeah.. the eta of moving out is anywhere from a month and a half to twice that.

then i'll be on my own again.

well, as on my own i can be with a roommate ;)
Sep. 6th, 2003 10:28 pm (UTC)
Thoughts from reading this...

I only missed catching you by 4 months? Hmage.

I've seen both you and Norsican mention The Vacant Stairs, what kind of music did you guys play? Do you still have your musical aspirations?

You seem as if you have the determination and the tenacity to make yourself survive in the surrounding in which you find yourself. You grow from your experiences if you're willing to learn from your past.

Definately sounds like the room mate was a creep.

I love the lyrics you add to the end of your posts, wish I recognized more of them :)
Sep. 23rd, 2003 07:43 pm (UTC)
two mays ago, (or maybe two aprils), littledevi placed an 'ad' in azjournal advertising for band members. myself, norsican, and scrumbles all answered (and eventually, for a little bit, cheezmuffin). we had started out planning on doing acoustical celtic ish folkish stuff, but the stuff we ended up coming up with ranged all over the spectrum. we only played live at a couple of house parties and at one harrowing open mic at Mill's End (all after scrumbles left..). we were sorta on a mini haitus of sorts, when i ended up moving.

i know that littledevi, who played bass and trumpet (and a teensy bit of piano) with The 'Stairs, joined a band called MOBD as their keyboardist. i, from day one arriving up here, was playing open mic nights doing solo acoustical gigs up until about 2 months ago (if i wasn't so sick and had a voice, i would be there tonight, even) and did a solo set at Dada last saturday. i'm also talking with faetal and jadisan about collaborating with them on acoustical stuff as well, andrea (faetal) on guitar, myself on guitar or occasional mandolin and voice, and gwyn (jadisan) on cello. i'm not sure what laura's doing? i'm moving in with andrea in awhile, so i imagine that our music will take a bit more of a step forward then. what i would LOVE to do in the meantime, is to find someone who is phenomenal on acoustic guitar and decent on harmonies, so i can sing and let THEM do the work (i can play guitar okay, but could do so much more with someone doing it for me!)

as far as surviving in my surroundings, what else COULD i do? ;) i've lived in many different places, under many different circumstances. i guess i learned long ago that you can't fight change (depending upon the change) and that you either change and grow with it, or stagnate.


hee. you're going to find a zillion emails from me the next time you log on! ;) but you've been great for venting and such! thank you!
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )


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