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Sep. 17th, 2003

and also, found when i was perusing my old entries, something that i had posted before, but still makes me snicker:


My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat." And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have peed down my
leg. And we'd go home. That was a long time ago.
I've had lots of experience with public toilets since then, but I'm still not particularly fond of them, especially those with
powerful,red-eye sensors. Those toilets know when you want them to flush. They are psychic toilets. But I always confuse their psychic ability by following my mother's advice and assuming The Stance.

The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's
bladder is especially full. This is most likely to occur after watching a full-length feature film. During the movie pee, it is nearly impossible to hold The Stance. You know what I mean. You drink a two liter cup of Diet Coke,then sit still through a three-hour saga because, for God's sake, even if you didn't wipe or wash your hands in the restroom, you'd still miss the pivotal part of the movie or the second scene, in which they flash the leading man's naked derriere. So, you cross your legs and you hold it.
And you hold it until that first credit rolls and you sprint to the restroom, about ready to explode all over your internal organs. And at the restroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Mel Gibson's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely.
And you finally get closer. You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. Hopefully, you think, no one is blowing their nose or checking the contents of their wallet.

Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down
the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't
latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your handbag on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume The Stance. Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to
wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale.

To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. Might as well be ready when you are done. But the toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny napkin you wiped your fingers on after eating buttered popcorn. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your pocketbook whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you
scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your buttered popcorn napkin in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never
touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't know
what kind of diseases you could get." And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China.

At that point, you give up. You're finished peeing. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you just wipe your hands with a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point. One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River. You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly, "Here, you might need this."

As you emerge, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and
exited his restroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. "What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed. This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.

This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally explains to all you
men what takes us so long.


( 34 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 18th, 2003 12:01 am (UTC)
I think it's all an old wives' tale. My ass has been 100% disease free after years of sitting on public toilet seats, seat covers or not.
Sep. 18th, 2003 12:13 am (UTC)
yeah..same here.

i do the "seat hover" sometimes, when i'm in porta-potties (those are gross), or have to pee on the bus (that's usually kinda gross too), and it's always nasty at concerts.

but in general, i sit down.

but the hover thing DOES suck.
(no subject) - aubkabob - Sep. 18th, 2003 06:37 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - rivulet - Sep. 18th, 2003 04:56 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - aubkabob - Sep. 18th, 2003 06:27 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - rivulet - Sep. 18th, 2003 06:36 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - aubkabob - Sep. 18th, 2003 06:41 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - rivulet - Sep. 18th, 2003 07:20 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - aubkabob - Nov. 17th, 2003 11:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - rivulet - Nov. 18th, 2003 06:40 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - aubkabob - Sep. 18th, 2003 06:38 am (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 18th, 2003 12:17 am (UTC)
So its getting the toilet paper to stick to your foot that makes it take so long =p
Sep. 18th, 2003 06:36 am (UTC)
Sep. 18th, 2003 01:00 am (UTC)
I found you on my friends/friends page. I'd like to be your friend if that's okay?
Sep. 18th, 2003 06:35 am (UTC)
Re: hi.
certainly :) i would be honored!
Sep. 18th, 2003 02:41 am (UTC)
i have to confess to having given up "The Stance". unless said place is insanely disgusting and dirty-looking, i settle for a thick layer of toilet paper (assuming there is any).

of course, because most places ARE disgusting AND lack TP, i just try to avoid pissing in public places if i can.
Sep. 18th, 2003 06:32 am (UTC)
yeah, i'm pretty much the same, depending upon the venue! (and how drunk i am!)

i remember living in phoenix (where people there are MUCH.. stuffier? than here..), and going to Hooters with a coworker, and i plopped down, and, in the stall next to me, she recoiled in horror.

i HAD done like a zillion squats and lunges like a day before that, so i could barely stand, let alone SQUAT?!? for MINUTES? schyeah.
(no subject) - shari - Sep. 18th, 2003 03:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - aubkabob - Nov. 17th, 2003 11:07 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - shari - Nov. 18th, 2003 05:07 am (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
Sep. 18th, 2003 06:28 am (UTC)
LOL!!! yeah.. so they give you these gigantos cups of soda, sit you in front of a humongous screen for THREE HOURS, and it's all about water...

torture. sheer torture...
Sep. 18th, 2003 05:11 am (UTC)
Thank you, that was funny!

I've never done the hover thing. I just can't. I've tried and my thighs start screaming at me.

I do wipe the seat and lay down paper though.
Sep. 18th, 2003 06:25 am (UTC)
i do, depending upon the bathroom. like at office max, the entire time i've worked there, i've come across only like 3 people ever in the bathroom, even less than that at michaels. so i figure that it's fairly safe.

now wal mart, target, or kmart? yeah. hover city.
Sep. 18th, 2003 07:47 am (UTC)
The guy's point of view
::warning:: author is a guy. Bias is inevitable.

I'll usually look at the seat and wipe it off if there's any drips on it.

And thanks, Aubrey. It was both informative and funny.
Sep. 24th, 2003 08:50 pm (UTC)
Re: The guy's point of view
hee hee.

i just wish i would have been the one to write it ;)
Sep. 18th, 2003 12:00 pm (UTC)
i posted this once and everyone thought it was actually me. lol! i am like zippy in the bathroom i want in and out as fast as i can!
Sep. 24th, 2003 01:49 pm (UTC)
lol - me, too!!! i see zero purpose in spending any extended time in the toidee.

yeah, from some of the responses, i was thinking that maybe some of the people reading it thought it was me, too!
Sep. 18th, 2003 02:23 pm (UTC)
Aubrey you are just too awesome, you have the most interesting posts of anyone IMHO. And here we call it "the hover" I used to do this, but then I got tired of doing it, so the only place I use public toilets is work, and I carry clorox wipes in my desk for that, and for awhile I carried around a small spray alcohol bottle and used to spray and wipe the seats then for anything else...

(I'm sooo sending you a package soon)
Sep. 18th, 2003 09:07 pm (UTC)
hee hee! *blushes furiously* i'm glad i can entertain!!! :D

and yay for packages! i get paid tomorrow, so hopefully soonly i'll go get my backpack! i haven't decided yet on a backpack or a messenger bag!
(no subject) - asillittle - Sep. 18th, 2003 10:36 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - aubkabob - Nov. 17th, 2003 11:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 18th, 2003 06:04 pm (UTC)
oh man.
best laugh of the day. thanks. :)
Nov. 17th, 2003 11:07 pm (UTC)
hey, anytime ;) i'm here to serve! or to entertain, at least!
(Deleted comment)
Nov. 17th, 2003 11:08 pm (UTC)
mm yes. about the only reason i ever barely wished i was a boy.

that, and the fact that masturbation seems like it would be SO much easier without being a contortionist.
( 34 comments — Leave a comment )


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