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so i just got back from the hospital.

that's right, hospital.

it started yesterday when i came back from lunch: a sharp pain in my chest and a teeny bit of shortness of breath. it went away about 10 minutes later.

i noticed it again, a slight pinch in my ribcage and difficulty breathing on my stroll home (i was in no hurry, so it wasn't like i was overexerting myself or anything...)

i came home, watched Gothika and rewatched last Thursday's Live As We Know It and went to bed. i got very little sleep, as Bacci felt the burning need to bat the hell out of my chin and nose every half hour. "WAKE UP AND PLAY WITH ME, DAMNIT!" she would mew in my face, as i did my best to glare the hell out of her in the darkness.

got up, went to work. nothing eventful. although i was in a massive hurry to get there, i didn't feel odd at all, was breathing fine, in fact. i had the same verse of Jellyfish's "Too Much, Too Little, Too Late" rolling over and over in my head.

about 2 hours into work, the pain came back. a sharp, pinching pain in my lungs. the shortness of breath came back, too, but i waited for it to subside as it had all the times before.

it didn't.

i helped several customers though half gasps. my line disappeared, i turned back to work on the project i've been doing for the boss.

that's when the shortness of breath hit with a vengeance.

i gasp over the radio that i need someone to cover the front for me. don waves his hand and tells me to go. i head to the back.

by the time i hit the double doors to receiving, i'm in a full out panic and hyperventilating, sobbing as i hold my chest. Muriel asks me what's wrong, and i gasp "I.... CAN'T... BREATHE!!! *sob*sob*sob*" she took me into the break room and sat me down. i couldn't get enough air! a vicious circle, it was: i couldn't breathe, so i would gasp. i would hear my gasps and realize i couldn't breathe. i would think about the fact i couldn't breathe and that my chest hurt, and i would start to panic. i would gasp more. i would hear my gasps and realize.... well, you know the rest. muriel raided the fridge for a paper bag and announced that she was taking whoever's corndogs out of the bag and borrowing it. the owner of said bags (jake) comes back to find out what in the world we're doing with his lunch....

okay. for those that know ANYTHING about me, i rarely cry. and when i DO cry, i do everything within my power to not let anyone a) see me, or b) know that i had been crying. I CANNOT CRY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

i spent at least a half hour in the break room, gasping loudly with tears streaming down my face. whenever i would try to talk, my voice would come out warbled with sobs, my sentences broken by massive gasps between almost every word.

i finally decided to get up and call faetal to come get me.

to make a short story long, she called brosely and they both came to pick me up from work. we went to the Urgent Care where they had nurses running out with oxygen checking doohickeys and tests of all kind. i was taken directly into a room and sat down, everyone asking me questions at once.

after many hours and xrays, they told me that they think it's pneumonia. um. kay. don't know when that happened or why it came on with such a freaking vengeance, but sure, i'll go with that. what the freak ever.

oh, and have i mentioned that i got a letter in the mail a couple of days ago, informing me that my medical benefits were cancelled because i hadn't been working enough hours to be construed as full time? yeah. life's a bitch, then you catch pneumonia. or pneumonia isn't really catching, so you would actually... create pneumonia? whatever. what happened today will ALL be coming out of pocket because the company i work for doesn't provide decent benefits for their employees. (reminder: i was paying $80 a month for coverage for only ME. i paid this quite awhile and the only thing i got for it? well, remember when i hurt my back? yeah. that entire visit is coming out of pocket, too, because it hadn't come CLOSE to hitting my deductible. makes me almost happy that i don't have to pay the fikkers any more. and what's worse? my benefits got cut because the two days i took off to heal from said back hurting showed to them that i wasn't working full time.)

so now i sit here at home, still FUHREEZING and in my winter coat and beanie, kitten on lap. i'm tired. my chest still hurts. i have about $25 to last me a week and a half after paying rent and bills, so no meds for me until that long.

but i'm okay. as long as i don't have another massive random not breathing attack. they gave me zero instructions or meds to deal with that if it happens again.

Say goodnight (goodnight)
Old song (so long)
You're through (set the needle back and hum a new tune)
Faint refrain (refrain)
Make room (so soon, so soon)
For new (until the hook can pull the bridge into view)

Spare me the vague, not-so-clever couplets
The ones I would have loved when I was you

'Cause now all I can say is "too much, too little ..."
And all I can feel, feels like the heaviest weight
'Cause all I can say is "too much, too little, too late"


( 75 comments — Leave a comment )
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Nov. 10th, 2004 10:41 pm (UTC)
oo - honey! that's awful!

sending you get-better vibes.
Nov. 11th, 2004 06:06 am (UTC)
thank you hun, i greatly appreciate it :)
Nov. 10th, 2004 10:41 pm (UTC)
grah. livejournal is being stupid, so it won't let me go back and edit, putting half of it under a cut for convenience, and changing it to LIFE as we know it. gee, i AM tired.

talk to you all soon.
Nov. 10th, 2004 10:50 pm (UTC)
oh my fuck. sounds really damn scary. I always though pneumonia occurred after a cold or something, but then again I know diddly about science or medicine.

Hope you feel better.
Nov. 11th, 2004 06:09 am (UTC)
my mother is just getting over a horrible bout of pneumonia that she was dealing with for almost a month - her symptoms were pretty much like mine, to where there weren't really any symptoms, no coughing, no nothing, other than a massive inability to breathe. they finally diagnosed her after doing xrays of her chest and seeing stuff in it.
Nov. 10th, 2004 10:51 pm (UTC)
Poor Aubrey :-(
I hope you feel better soon, what a scary ordeal :-(

*cries* I wish I could take care of you!
Jun. 11th, 2005 05:10 pm (UTC)
Re: Poor Aubrey :-(
well you always do, mentally, even if you don't always realize it!

that's why i heart my pertato so!
Re: Poor Aubrey :-( - talkingpotato - Jun. 12th, 2005 08:18 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Poor Aubrey :-( - aubkabob - Jun. 12th, 2005 05:08 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Poor Aubrey :-( - talkingpotato - Jun. 12th, 2005 08:12 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Poor Aubrey :-( - aubkabob - Apr. 24th, 2006 01:36 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Poor Aubrey :-( - talkingpotato - Apr. 24th, 2006 03:16 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Poor Aubrey :-( - aubkabob - Nov. 10th, 2006 09:52 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Poor Aubrey :-( - talkingpotato - Nov. 11th, 2006 12:53 am (UTC) - Expand
Nov. 10th, 2004 10:54 pm (UTC)
Awww. . .
It does, in fact, LICK BAWLZ that you are feeling sick and the doctors only THINK they know what's up. I hate it when that happens. Thank the GODS that I have a few "witchy" tricks up my sleve for when I'm really sick. If your interested let me know, I could teach you how to make a tea that would be excellent for your symptoms. Let me know :)
Nov. 11th, 2004 06:12 am (UTC)
ooh wonderful, hun, thanks :)
Nov. 10th, 2004 10:55 pm (UTC)
HOLY DAMN! Get well extra fast.

Think about it, won't you?

Nov. 15th, 2004 07:06 pm (UTC)
i will certainly do my bestest!!
Nov. 10th, 2004 11:14 pm (UTC)
Ugh. I just got screwed by my so-called insurance, too.

Hope you get better, woman.
Nov. 15th, 2004 08:50 pm (UTC)
thanks hun. i'll be so relieved when i can go up a flight of stairs without feeling like i climbed mt everest.

i found out that i had had an average of something like 31.75 hours for last quarter, so i was .25 hours from getting benefits.

talk about pissed.
Nov. 11th, 2004 12:10 am (UTC)
That's exactly how I felt when I had a panic attack, minus the pain, add racing heart beat!

You'd think you'd need an inhaler to help your lungs or something!

I hope you feel better.

Nov. 15th, 2004 08:53 pm (UTC)
i had sort of thought that it had been a panic attack of some sorts, though i wasn't exactly going through very much stress when it first happened. i think the nurse practitioner was convinced that it was something of the sort, too, because they kept questioning me about my living conditions at home and seemed convinced that my roommate beats me or something.

that all changed after they saw my xrays.
(no subject) - kimie - Nov. 15th, 2004 09:01 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - aubkabob - Jun. 11th, 2005 05:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
Nov. 11th, 2004 12:14 am (UTC)
I hate not being able to breathe. Hate hate HATE! I hope you're okay.
Nov. 15th, 2004 08:54 pm (UTC)
yeah. who KNEW that oxygen was so freaking important?!?
Nov. 11th, 2004 12:33 am (UTC)
Oh, my gosh, Aubrey, I'm so sorry. It sounds like a panic attack and... pneumonia? For crying out loud. I just had my own medical emergency a couple weeks ago and it is SO SCARY. I really sympathize with you.

I really hope you feel better and hopefully SOMETHING can be worked out with insurance, get it paid for somehow, have you looked into any benefits that might be provided by the state? I remember we got them to pay for Angie's hospital trip when she had a grand mal seizure, even though she was not insured at the time. That's all I can think of, geez, if there's anything I could do to help let me know.
Nov. 15th, 2004 08:56 pm (UTC)
thank you hun, even taking the time out to give advice and such means more to me than you know.

it's been almost a week and my breathing isn't much better. i'm sure the whole ps2 situation and becoming more angry and pissed off about it than i had been over anything in centuries didn't help, since my chest is aching like nobody's business atm.

maybe i'll go to the free clinic tomorrow and find out again. if nothing else, then i can go get a new ps2 AND my prescription after payday.

though i don't think i really have the $200 to buy a new one atm. but GEEZ, I NEED ONE!!!
Nov. 11th, 2004 12:43 am (UTC)
Hope you feel better soon, hun. Being sick is no fun.
Nov. 15th, 2004 08:56 pm (UTC)
you're right, it's not :(

i hope i get better soon, too.
Nov. 11th, 2004 01:44 am (UTC)
egads!! (egads is about the only reaction that wasn't taken)

the only thing i have to offer is a free cd of me making a total fool out of myself. would you like one?!

take care!
Nov. 15th, 2004 08:57 pm (UTC)
woo, that sounds BEYOND exquisite!!!
Nov. 11th, 2004 03:21 am (UTC)
How awful! That's scary!

I hope this is the last of your medical and financial problems. Get better soon. I hope that you find a better job with better benefits one day.
Nov. 15th, 2004 08:58 pm (UTC)
i freaking hope so, too. it's really sad that a manager and i were talking about benefits and money and how i was screwed, and she said off handedly that i should go work the holiday season at michaels again, too.

and it sounded VERY freaking tempting.
Nov. 11th, 2004 03:58 am (UTC)
wow. they didn't give you any instructions or meds? no inhaler? are those people fucking STUPID??? someone should be able to sue them for that if you have another attack and you weren't given anything to preempt returning to Urgent Care or the ER.

i'm sorry, hun. i wish you lived closer so i could bring you some peppermint tea (or at least one of my space heaters).

Nov. 15th, 2004 08:59 pm (UTC)
awww, thank you so much hun. since i have no money or anything, i've been living off of my mother's leftover meds and inhaler from when she had pneumonia recently..
(no subject) - a_muse_d - Nov. 16th, 2004 02:40 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - aubkabob - Nov. 20th, 2004 04:21 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - a_muse_d - Nov. 20th, 2004 05:27 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - aubkabob - Nov. 20th, 2004 09:08 pm (UTC) - Expand
Nov. 11th, 2004 04:54 am (UTC)
Dude, that's so odd..
I've been having those same symptoms at various points. At first I thought it was perhaps heartburn or acid reflux and started OD'ing on Pepto.

Then I realized that I was having the tightness of chest (like someone's blowing a balloon up inside my chest), getting sweaty, and not being able to breathe when I get REALLY UBER stressed out. I've never gone to the doctor, but I think it's a combo of stress and panic attacks.

Regardless,I hope you feel better soon. :-(
Jun. 11th, 2005 05:11 pm (UTC)
Re: Dude, that's so odd..
it's amazing how one's life comes to a complete stop during NOT BREATHING. egads. although it's half a world later, i hope that your not breathingness has stopped!

stress is such a horrid thing, it is. and unfortunately completely unavoidable in today's society.
Re: Dude, that's so odd.. - aubkabob - Jun. 12th, 2005 05:07 am (UTC) - Expand
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