that's right, hospital.
it started yesterday when i came back from lunch: a sharp pain in my chest and a teeny bit of shortness of breath. it went away about 10 minutes later.
i noticed it again, a slight pinch in my ribcage and difficulty breathing on my stroll home (i was in no hurry, so it wasn't like i was overexerting myself or anything...)
i came home, watched Gothika and rewatched last Thursday's Live As We Know It and went to bed. i got very little sleep, as Bacci felt the burning need to bat the hell out of my chin and nose every half hour. "WAKE UP AND PLAY WITH ME, DAMNIT!" she would mew in my face, as i did my best to glare the hell out of her in the darkness.
got up, went to work. nothing eventful. although i was in a massive hurry to get there, i didn't feel odd at all, was breathing fine, in fact. i had the same verse of Jellyfish's "Too Much, Too Little, Too Late" rolling over and over in my head.
about 2 hours into work, the pain came back. a sharp, pinching pain in my lungs. the shortness of breath came back, too, but i waited for it to subside as it had all the times before.
i helped several customers though half gasps. my line disappeared, i turned back to work on the project i've been doing for the boss.
that's when the shortness of breath hit with a vengeance.
i gasp over the radio that i need someone to cover the front for me. don waves his hand and tells me to go. i head to the back.
by the time i hit the double doors to receiving, i'm in a full out panic and hyperventilating, sobbing as i hold my chest. Muriel asks me what's wrong, and i gasp "I.... CAN'T... BREATHE!!! *sob*sob*sob*" she took me into the break room and sat me down. i couldn't get enough air! a vicious circle, it was: i couldn't breathe, so i would gasp. i would hear my gasps and realize i couldn't breathe. i would think about the fact i couldn't breathe and that my chest hurt, and i would start to panic. i would gasp more. i would hear my gasps and realize.... well, you know the rest. muriel raided the fridge for a paper bag and announced that she was taking whoever's corndogs out of the bag and borrowing it. the owner of said bags (jake) comes back to find out what in the world we're doing with his lunch....
okay. for those that know ANYTHING about me, i rarely cry. and when i DO cry, i do everything within my power to not let anyone a) see me, or b) know that i had been crying. I CANNOT CRY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
i spent at least a half hour in the break room, gasping loudly with tears streaming down my face. whenever i would try to talk, my voice would come out warbled with sobs, my sentences broken by massive gasps between almost every word.
i finally decided to get up and call faetal to come get me.
to make a short story long, she called brosely and they both came to pick me up from work. we went to the Urgent Care where they had nurses running out with oxygen checking doohickeys and tests of all kind. i was taken directly into a room and sat down, everyone asking me questions at once.
after many hours and xrays, they told me that they think it's pneumonia. um. kay. don't know when that happened or why it came on with such a freaking vengeance, but sure, i'll go with that. what the freak ever.
oh, and have i mentioned that i got a letter in the mail a couple of days ago, informing me that my medical benefits were cancelled because i hadn't been working enough hours to be construed as full time? yeah. life's a bitch, then you catch pneumonia. or pneumonia isn't really catching, so you would actually... create pneumonia? whatever. what happened today will ALL be coming out of pocket because the company i work for doesn't provide decent benefits for their employees. (reminder: i was paying $80 a month for coverage for only ME. i paid this quite awhile and the only thing i got for it? well, remember when i hurt my back? yeah. that entire visit is coming out of pocket, too, because it hadn't come CLOSE to hitting my deductible. makes me almost happy that i don't have to pay the fikkers any more. and what's worse? my benefits got cut because the two days i took off to heal from said back hurting showed to them that i wasn't working full time.)
so now i sit here at home, still FUHREEZING and in my winter coat and beanie, kitten on lap. i'm tired. my chest still hurts. i have about $25 to last me a week and a half after paying rent and bills, so no meds for me until that long.
but i'm okay. as long as i don't have another massive random not breathing attack. they gave me zero instructions or meds to deal with that if it happens again.
Say goodnight (goodnight)
Old song (so long)
You're through (set the needle back and hum a new tune)
Faint refrain (refrain)
Make room (so soon, so soon)
For new (until the hook can pull the bridge into view)
Spare me the vague, not-so-clever couplets
The ones I would have loved when I was you
'Cause now all I can say is "too much, too little ..."
And all I can feel, feels like the heaviest weight
'Cause all I can say is "too much, too little, too late"