when i was in high school, and whenever i would turn work in, i would always get scolded for not capitalizing my 'i''s as in 'i am tired.'.. i would calmly explain to them that i didn't believe in capitalizing my i's because in doing that, i placed too much emphasis on myself, and how can i possibly think that 'i' is more important than 'he' or 'her' or 'them'? i really wasn't important, so why capitalize my i's and thusly state my superiority? i mean.. i wasn't a spectacular being, so why capitalize?
hee hee. now i just don't capitalize due to laziness ;)
i used to be SUUUUCH a dark teenager. egads. it's like night and day between the two. i had thought that it was the weather in the pacific northwest that was causing me to be so dark and gloomy, as after i moved to phoenix, my angry inner self disappated quite quickly. in retrospect, i also moved to phoenix when i was 20, when my teenage years were finally over, a new beginning to a new life of adulthood.
or something like that.
i remember telling everyone all the time about how i would not live to see my 19th birthday. i KNEW i was going to die, violently, either by my hands or by someone else's. i just KNEW it. i was fine with it. i would be dead before i turned 19. i did horrid things such as walk the streets at night and hop in cars with whomever offered me a ride, although i had no specific destination. i would go to random pickup parties where i knew either no one, or only one person, usually with much older boys. i never DID anything with any of them, i was a lot more innocent in THAT respect, but still.
my brother asked me recently if anything he has ever told me was completely profound, that it effected my life and how i viewed things. i couldn't think of a single incident (though something has happened since then that was pretty profound. never underestimate the power of someone believing in you.), but he pointed out that one time, he and i were walking down the street, and came across a freshly cut down tree. i made him put his palm on the freshly exposed inner trunk and said "can't you feel it's pain? can't you hear it screaming?"
such was my teenage years.
i remember almost running away to seattle once with some boys that had escaped from a boy's home. i came SO close to doing that. i came so close to running away another time that i was out with some other random boys, the car had broken down, and i had come home an entire day too late. i ran in and started tossing stuff in bags before mom got home, and jessie came in, sobbing to please please pleeeeease not leave him. he couldn't have me leave him, not that way. so i hugged him, we sobbed together, and i spent the entire rest of the summer grounded.
i'm extremely glad that that point in my life is behind me, and that i lived through the idiotic things i did, the horrible things i felt. it also makes me fear for having a son or (especially) a daughter, and what they may go through emotionally in their teenagehood.
they say that your highschool years are supposed to be the very best, and that you'll want to go back to them. pfah. i would rather relive any other decade in my life than even the years from 13 to 19.
remember how you made me crazy?
remember how i made you scream?