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in replying to a post by my dearest eldylabor, i remembered something about my teenagehood, a little quirk i had in my creative writing classes:

when i was in high school, and whenever i would turn work in, i would always get scolded for not capitalizing my 'i''s as in 'i am tired.'.. i would calmly explain to them that i didn't believe in capitalizing my i's because in doing that, i placed too much emphasis on myself, and how can i possibly think that 'i' is more important than 'he' or 'her' or 'them'? i really wasn't important, so why capitalize my i's and thusly state my superiority? i mean.. i wasn't a spectacular being, so why capitalize?

hee hee. now i just don't capitalize due to laziness ;)

i used to be SUUUUCH a dark teenager. egads. it's like night and day between the two. i had thought that it was the weather in the pacific northwest that was causing me to be so dark and gloomy, as after i moved to phoenix, my angry inner self disappated quite quickly. in retrospect, i also moved to phoenix when i was 20, when my teenage years were finally over, a new beginning to a new life of adulthood.

or something like that.

i remember telling everyone all the time about how i would not live to see my 19th birthday. i KNEW i was going to die, violently, either by my hands or by someone else's. i just KNEW it. i was fine with it. i would be dead before i turned 19. i did horrid things such as walk the streets at night and hop in cars with whomever offered me a ride, although i had no specific destination. i would go to random pickup parties where i knew either no one, or only one person, usually with much older boys. i never DID anything with any of them, i was a lot more innocent in THAT respect, but still.

my brother asked me recently if anything he has ever told me was completely profound, that it effected my life and how i viewed things. i couldn't think of a single incident (though something has happened since then that was pretty profound. never underestimate the power of someone believing in you.), but he pointed out that one time, he and i were walking down the street, and came across a freshly cut down tree. i made him put his palm on the freshly exposed inner trunk and said "can't you feel it's pain? can't you hear it screaming?"

such was my teenage years.

i remember almost running away to seattle once with some boys that had escaped from a boy's home. i came SO close to doing that. i came so close to running away another time that i was out with some other random boys, the car had broken down, and i had come home an entire day too late. i ran in and started tossing stuff in bags before mom got home, and jessie came in, sobbing to please please pleeeeease not leave him. he couldn't have me leave him, not that way. so i hugged him, we sobbed together, and i spent the entire rest of the summer grounded.

i'm extremely glad that that point in my life is behind me, and that i lived through the idiotic things i did, the horrible things i felt. it also makes me fear for having a son or (especially) a daughter, and what they may go through emotionally in their teenagehood.

they say that your highschool years are supposed to be the very best, and that you'll want to go back to them. pfah. i would rather relive any other decade in my life than even the years from 13 to 19.

remember how you made me crazy?
remember how i made you scream?

Comments

( 27 comments — Leave a comment )
raisin
Jan. 18th, 2005 09:25 am (UTC)
hey-where did you post that picture of us?
(Deleted comment)
aubkabob
Jan. 18th, 2005 09:45 am (UTC)
LOL yup, i was just chock full of them ;) my creative writing.. egads, i so wish i had everything i had written back then! i remember winning a short story contest with a story that i had written about a girl and brother that lived with an acoholic abusive father that consistantly raped her and in a rage killed her brother, and made it look like suicide.. he chased her when she ran away, there was a bout in the woods, she killed him, climbed into his car and slit her wrists, writing "FREE" in her blood on the windshield.
secret_ninja
Jan. 18th, 2005 09:36 am (UTC)
Hey.. I feel ignored...

Gimmie your # again...

secret_ninja @ comcast.net
aubkabob
Jan. 18th, 2005 09:48 am (UTC)
all sent!
energon_martini
Jan. 18th, 2005 11:04 am (UTC)
Regarding high school and its suckage.
Ayyyyyy-men.

I'm sorry for how hideous this is going to sound, but when Columbine happened, I was like, "D'oh! Why didn't I think of that?"
aubkabob
Jun. 28th, 2005 06:24 pm (UTC)
Re: Regarding high school and its suckage.
HA HA, naw, that isn't hideous. it just seems like most teenagers would have daydreamed about such things every now and again. i was miserable in high school. i never got made fun of or anything, but junior high had been a constant battle of dealing with sudden weight gain, being called names, having rocks thrown at me, and all sorts of other things that made me a massive recluse for high school. i guess i figured that if i made myself as invisible as possible, that i just might be able to make it through that hell.

i remember being told repeatedly that high school is not the end of all things, that life truly begins afterwards. i remember feeling as if it would never end and that once i graduated, i OBVIOUSLY would be tied down in marriage with kids, as that was the ONLY thing adults could do.

i'm happy i was wrong ;)
madmadhatter
Jan. 18th, 2005 11:14 am (UTC)
sppppoooooky cookie
i so started doing the "i" thing for the exact reason. it seems so egotistcal.
aubkabob
Jun. 28th, 2005 06:18 pm (UTC)
Re: sppppoooooky cookie
funny how the teenage brain works, no?

now, i just do it out of laziness. even when i'm in Word writing an article, it capitalizes it for me, so i don't have to make that extra effort of coordinating two fingers at once, to hit the shift key and the i AT THE SAME TIME.
madmadhatter
Jun. 29th, 2005 04:09 pm (UTC)
Re: sppppoooooky cookie
Funny is one way of putting it.

I use to captilize nothin'. Now it's mostly out of habit from work I suspects.
aubkabob
Feb. 21st, 2006 03:41 am (UTC)
Re: sppppoooooky cookie
Now that I'm in college, depending upon things, I capitalize a lot more often, especially since I have come to the realization that I think I really DO want to write for a living (and play music. and be a nurse. mrowr!)
madmadhatter
Feb. 25th, 2006 01:51 am (UTC)
Re: sppppoooooky cookie
well hellloooooo nurse!

that is awesome! ze peforming nurse! mrwor indeeed!
aubkabob
Nov. 23rd, 2006 01:14 am (UTC)
Re: sppppoooooky cookie
ha, i was going to say that i'll wear my uniform while i perform.. and then remembered i'll most likely be wearing scrubs. SEXEY.
madmadhatter
Nov. 23rd, 2006 10:51 am (UTC)
Re: sppppoooooky cookie
sexay scubs! you've switched to music as your major, if i remember correctly. you seem to be beyond an awesome singer/muscian from what i've heard
jzsfreak
Jan. 18th, 2005 02:34 pm (UTC)
Looking back at my early teens (I'm 30 now), I was so damn miserable. I too am afraid of raising kids due to the problems I had and not wanting to subject anyone to that (not that each person has their own experiences). It's amazing just how much we really do change over time...
aubkabob
Jan. 25th, 2005 02:15 pm (UTC)
yup, i'll be 30 in march, meself, and it's about the same. i swore i would be dead, and if i did survive, that i wouldn't bring a child into this hideous world.

now, a bit older, i may or may not have changed my opinion, though it's more like "i don't plan on having kids, but accidents do happen..", though that sounds hideous... if i ever did get pregnant, as it stands now (in 5 years, if my ovaries are still working and i'm actually married and in a secure environment, this opinion may change...), it woudl be an accident. but that doesn't mean i would care for my offspring any less. i'm certain if i ever did become pregnant, that i would become a mother with every single effort that i can give.
(Deleted comment)
aubkabob
Jan. 25th, 2005 02:13 pm (UTC)
i guess that it's mostly the entertainment business that basically portrays that our highschool years are supposed to be our most fond. the television and theatres are filled with different visions of how teenagers are supposed to behave, how life is one fantastic adventure as a teen.

i'm thinking, too, that life as a teenager in the last couple of decades differs drastically as one in the 50's, 60's or even 70's.
colonelpanic
Jan. 18th, 2005 03:37 pm (UTC)
I've never considered high school a high point and am always suspicious of those that do. I was very uncomfortable there, I was the sole AV geek it seemed and it was an extremely small high school (103 kids in my class, total) so divisions went up fast and stayed that way from the start. I tried to fit in, oh, I did try, but nothing seemed to take save for the one club I started with another seemingly outcast fellow (a political club, "The Wayne Morse Society", named after the only Senator to object to the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution).

My college years were a lot better and my adult years filled with a lot less repressed rage. When Columbine happened I felt terrible for the victims, but more so for the perpetrators, who felt much as I did but couldn't bottle it up safely enough. Needless to say I will never go to a reunion (and I do think they had a 10 year a ways back, did I hear about it? No...).

aubkabob
Jan. 25th, 2005 02:11 pm (UTC)
i don't think i'll ever be invited to a reunion, either, mainly because i went to so many different high schools, and finally officially graduated from spokane community college. *shrug* fine by me, no one would remember me, anyway.

now that i'm back in the pacific northwest, i see people all the time that i swear i know, but that look horrid and dumpy. most people here my age look about 5 to 10 years older than i do.

makes me thankful i got out when i did.
imnotbob
Jan. 18th, 2005 05:48 pm (UTC)
they say that your highschool years are supposed to be the very best
People who say that are big fat liars.
That or people with really awful lives post high school.
aubkabob
Jan. 25th, 2005 02:09 pm (UTC)
yup. amazing how that works.
jaddziadax
Jan. 18th, 2005 09:45 pm (UTC)
i dont use contractions... or atleast i dont use the '<-- any more
aubkabob
Jan. 25th, 2005 02:08 pm (UTC)
my apostrophe usage comes and goes, too.
scene_stealer
Jan. 25th, 2005 11:08 am (UTC)
i made him put his palm on the freshly exposed inner trunk and said "can't you feel it's pain? can't you hear it screaming?"

so basically you had just seen fern gully and found the perfect moment to use that line from the movie. :)

i think the ones who say high school is your best years are those who were popular. BUT...those who were popular in high school tend to fail in "real life". and i also had one of the best moments of my life when many years after high school i ran into a popular kid from that time. i was shocked he remembered who i was and even knew i left half way thru the 4 years of high school. (i changed to a different school) i can't remember the comment he made but i said "but you were popular". he said yea, but....then he told me about all their drama. they probably had more drma than the rest of us combined. i guess none of them really liked each other and didn't get a long all that great. i was thrilled to hear it. so it turns out that high school even sucked for them.

many times i have tried to think of what time i would want to relive. i can never decide. every year of my life had great moments but also low ones. and really, that's just life.
aubkabob
Jan. 25th, 2005 02:08 pm (UTC)
hrm. what year did fern gully come out? i don't think i had gotten it from that... though as i was typing it, i was so thinking of the movie!

i sort of wish occasionally that i could go through, say, 3 years old to present knowing then what i do now. there's so many things that i'm sure would be perceived quite differently now, than my young mind would be able to remember.

brosely and i are constantly discussing our childhood and comparing notes. because we have almost 6 years between us, we definitely have different versions as to what went on when.
scene_stealer
Jan. 25th, 2005 04:22 pm (UTC)
turns out fern gully came out a lot later than i thought....1992.
aubkabob
Jul. 3rd, 2005 06:50 pm (UTC)
hrm. that IS later than i thought, too. i was 17 then. i think this happened more when i was 15 or 16...

i had remembered sitting in school and a teacher telling her creative writing class about one of her old students that was so deep that she would say "i look at the door and i hear trees screaming." which opened some sort of environmental consciousness in my pliable teenage mind.
( 27 comments — Leave a comment )

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