and was completely hit with everything that was phoenix. i felt january weather, now perfect to me after having stayed here two winters. i felt the wind on my check. i SMELLED the wind! i hadn't noticed in my move that there was a distinct difference in the slight smell of the air, though even in my dream, it was logical, since it's a veritable wetland up here, and a desert there. the air smelled dryer... dustier. the clouds... it was that part of time during the day where the sun has fully set, but it's light is still playing among the clouds, bringing periwinkle, cotton candy pink, baby blue, sorbet orange to the night sky.
i immediately started crying with my entire SOUL for the loss of phoenix. i walked up to the corner of the street where my friends Joe and Peyton were standing. Joe said something to the effect that i need to come home, i KNOW, deep inside, how much i need it. he could have me back there in less than a month. i turned in a circle, looking at everything around me, breathing in all the scents deeply, cherishing every caress of the wind on my cheek, through my hair.
i half expected to wake up in tears, but i didn't. instead, i woke up with an allergy attack, with massively itchy eyes and a runny nose. i lay in bed for quite awhile, turning the dream over and over in my head, trying in my waking moments to be able to clutch onto the sights, scents, feelings, and emotions that personified everything that i felt was phoenix. i started looking at things in my life, playing over how easy it really WOULD be to just pick up and move...
but i won't. i just signed another year's lease, for one. so i'm at least at this address until january of next year. i also want to finalize my bankruptcy and lose all the excess weight that i gained when i first moved here. yes, that seems a bit vain, i know.
i miss phoenix. i really and truly do. how could i move somewhere with no family, completely build an entire LIFE of my own, and not?
maybe i'll visit. though i don't forsee that being anywhere in my near future, either.