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musical fear

why am i afraid of my guitar?


it's currently propped up in a corner, covered with fingerprint smudges and a thick coating of dust, the capo clasped firmly on the second fret, which i know is a horrid way to store the thing, but at least i won't lose it. life without a capo is suck.

i'm by myself a lot these days, which had been an excuse to not play the thing before: i didn't want to torture my roommates with my rusty relearning and repetitive crooning. but now i don't have that excuse.

i just keep gazing at it in all its black glory, leaning against the fireplace. i think to myself "i can play it NOW!" and then fervently try to think of a trillion other things i should be doing instead of playing my guitar. it's like i'm avoiding a little underlying voice that says that i'm too old to be a rock star anymore?

who knows.

i hate the fear.

but as much as i hate it, it doesn't make me pick it up and play it any faster.

if i seem bleak, well you'd be correct
and if i don't speak, it's because i get disconnected...

there's more to living than only surviving
maybe i'm not there, but i'm still trying....


( 28 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
Apr. 22nd, 2005 09:05 pm (UTC)
hee hee, yup, still has the leopard print band aid on the top where he got scratched during band practice, and will have it until the day it falls off, or he falls apart :)
Mar. 9th, 2005 11:18 pm (UTC)
Hardly anyone actually gets to be a "rock star" like everyone thinks of the term for some reason. Don't be a rock star, be a musician, you're never too old to be a musician. Ever played with someone who has been playing for 20 years? Don't you want to be one of those people who plays so well they knock everyone's socks off? Keep playing and it will happen... if you never pick the guitar up, it won't. To me, the whole "rock star thing" is the cause of much unnecessary angst and mediocre work by musicians focusing too much on how to please some imaginary mass audience that may never exist. I see ads sometimes for singers with "commercial" voices which seems like such a depressing idea.
Apr. 22nd, 2005 09:04 pm (UTC)
well, I didn't mean the literal term of 'rockstar', really, more of a spiritual rock star than a literal one. i would so much rather find happiness in my music and my creations and be able to convey messages that have deep spiritual meaning to me, than to be something that's manufactured on a high volume type thing.

Thanks, I will continue to be true to myself. *hugs*
Mar. 9th, 2005 11:45 pm (UTC)
So this guitar, is it a grade 1 superb impossible to replace thing? If not, sell it. Then when you get the hunger it'll become clear you need to get another. Or the accursed instrument will continue to mock you.
Apr. 22nd, 2005 09:01 pm (UTC)
it has more of a massive emotional tie to it more than anything else. I wouldn't be able to get much for it, and then would probably have to shell out another $300 to get everything I need in order to start playing again.

And if the instrument continues to mock me, I'll at least be able to go through phases where I'm playing again, such as lately.
Mar. 9th, 2005 11:48 pm (UTC)
why am i afraid of my guitar?

I dont know about you but I was killed by a guitar once...
Apr. 22nd, 2005 09:00 pm (UTC)
hee hee, that reminds me of the Dweezil Zappa song "My Guitar wants to Kill Your Mama"...
Mar. 10th, 2005 12:22 am (UTC)
break the rules and play with yur heart! dont be afraid because we all got to learn one way or the other...like my photgrpahy! i know you can doo soo well!
Apr. 22nd, 2005 08:59 pm (UTC)
aww, thank you so much for the uplifting comment, hun! I will certainly work to get better at it, so that I may find joy in it once again :)

Mar. 10th, 2005 12:56 am (UTC)
no one's too old to be a rock star. Keep trying.
Apr. 22nd, 2005 08:57 pm (UTC)
thanks, will do! *salutes crisply*
Mar. 10th, 2005 01:28 am (UTC)
I have the same issues re: music. I love playing and singing yet can't bring myself to do them.

From personal experience, a 4-track recorder is a useful investment, because it gives you incentive to play and write songs/demos. You get the reward of actually hearing what you're working on, as well as having the chance to work and re-work your stuff until it's where you want it to be. Plus, if you have some musician buddies, you can have them come along later and throw parts on (extra vocals, lead guitar, bass, percussion). Sounds really complicated, but for recording acoustic guitar/vocals, a simple four-track and microphone will do the trick. There are digital programs for your computer that do that stuff, but I'm a fan of stand-alone units.

I have one of these and I love it. It has a built-in audio mic of decent quality, plus all kinds of pre-fab audio effects (flange, chorus, echo). With this unit, a $20 USB cable and your acoustic guitar, you could produce near-professional quality demos, or just muck about like I do. I paid $350 for mine two years ago, but you can get used units for quite cheap now.

Apr. 22nd, 2005 08:57 pm (UTC)
so many neato bambeato stuff out there nowadays. I remember dating a musician when I was in high school and how complicated everything had seemed back THEN, and that was in the early 90's!

littledevi gave me a little recorder for my going away present when I left phoenix, so that I could at least play, record and listen to myself so that I could figure out what I was doing wrong and what I needed to work on. I really should put the thing to use.
Mar. 10th, 2005 04:08 am (UTC)
i have never played a musical instrument in my life, ever. weird huh?
Apr. 22nd, 2005 08:55 pm (UTC)
I know a lot of people like that, it's not overly weird. not even a recorder in school? I thought everyone had at least played a recorder ;)
Apr. 22nd, 2005 11:58 pm (UTC)
nope. i have never touched a musical instement... ever. weird
Mar. 10th, 2005 04:14 am (UTC)
Same problem...I just don't want to touch it at all. It's like there's no point, so why bother.
Apr. 22nd, 2005 08:54 pm (UTC)
yup. no REASON to play, I suppose, because it's not like I have a band to practice for, I don't have shows or anything like that to look forward to, so why bother being good or even halfway decent?

Although I spose that my friends are conspiring to drag me out and throw me onto a stage somewhere, so I suppose that helps to provide me with some motivation to play a BIT more, so that I won't suck TOO badly when it happens...
Mar. 10th, 2005 04:59 am (UTC)
Well, the guitar probably needs to be tuned. You might be a bit rusty, but I am sure you would pick it up quickly again.

You can play music at any age. Even young musicians usually don't become rock stars.
Apr. 22nd, 2005 08:53 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I know, it was a truly weak excuse. I never really was into playing the music for the stardom, moreso for the emotional and spiritual outlet.

I just have to keep reminding myself that if I don't play, I won't get better. I just need to work past the cramps in my hand, because that seems to be the biggest obstacle.
Mar. 10th, 2005 03:04 pm (UTC)
Too old to be a rock star? Ha I laugh at thy statment!

I'd like to bring to your minds view pictrues of:
Steven Tyler
Mick Jagger (sp) *shakes picture* *further more points to face*
and someone who is currently in my ear Eric claptin.

Now that those guys are in your mind oh Oh that crow woman, now
They have got a hellva lot more years on this planet than you do and to some extent they rock hard. So that excuse is dead, I'm sure your roomies wouldn't mind, and didn't you wake up to vaccuming once? So go for it, with guesto!

Oh yeah find those songs yet [Yep I'm not forgetting!]
Apr. 22nd, 2005 08:52 pm (UTC)
hee hee, well, yes, they are certainly old, but even they got their starts early and have definitely paid their musical dues. I know that sheryl crow, i believe, got a sort of lateish start, in comparison to most everyone else you hear about.

Hee hee. ah, yes, the hideous demos. Maybe they'll turn up one day ;)
Apr. 22nd, 2005 08:56 pm (UTC)
Mar. 15th, 2005 07:57 am (UTC)
I totally understand that...how often I've thought the same thing, back in the days when I took guitar lessons. Fear of failure can be so paralyzing.
Apr. 22nd, 2005 08:50 pm (UTC)
The threat of dragging me to open mic again is at least proving too great to NOT play... I do miss playing in front of people, even if I'm not spectacular. It's also helped me to become motivated: the lack of motivation, I believe, was caused by not NEEDING to play. If I play and write and do all sorts of things, I never PLAY in front of anyone, so I thusly have no purpose to do so, yanno?
Apr. 23rd, 2005 01:34 pm (UTC)
Exactly. I used to be very active in this poetry forum online, and I wrote and wrote, all the time... then they combined the free verse (my fav. form) and rhyming into the same forum, and I tell you what, beginner poets are ALL about the rhyming, ignoring meter usually, and it's horrid. Anyway, I gradually left (partly 'cause all the cool people stopped posting so much) and since then I haven't really written any poetry. The pull of having people who will comment and critique your work is amazingly motivational. Without that -- I just can't make myself do it.
Oct. 30th, 2005 11:59 pm (UTC)
it's almost sad that we need feedback for our creativity in order to keep us motivated. i so wish that it was just magically a massive desire to accomplish great things musically for ME.

although i was thinking the other day about the biggest reason why i wanted to become a musician: to be the soundtrack for someone's life. and since you say you listen to me all the time, i've accomplished that.

thank you :)
Nov. 13th, 2005 11:54 am (UTC)
awww, you're welcome. ;-)
( 28 comments — Leave a comment )


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