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Personal Heaven...

I'm so tired that I'm practically drooling, so we'll see how well I am able to convey my feelings this evening.

During the drive from Daniel's house to our home, I watched the world go by. I watched the street lamps play off of the numerous evergreens and carniferous (hee hee carnivorous! rawr!) trees as we sped up the 205 towards the bridge that separates Oregon from Washington, and thusly, Portland from Vancouver. I lost myself in the sheer beauty of all that is around me. I cocked my head and gazed at all of the city lights and the patterns they would make. I watched as we flew over the bridge and the lights played off of the Columbia River. I thought about those that were around me at that precise moment, and how much each and every one of them meant to me. My brother, my best friend on earth. Daniel, who makes me laugh and makes my best friend so happy in their relationship. Andrea, who proved to me that roommates are not always bad things, and that I can find a perfect friendship with someone who is my complete and total opposite.

I realized that I was completely and inexorably perfectly happy in that precise moment in time. I was at peace with the world, and the world seemed at peace with me.

I get asked frequently why I left Phoenix, and if/when I will ever move back there.

Ironically, exactly two years to the DAY, I can tell you that I honestly have no desire to return.

Return to visit, certainly. But to live? I had cultivated my whole life there, my very own life, away from all family. I grew so much as an individual there, and will never regret making that move.

I left home, I had adventures, I did soul searching and experienced so much in the way of good, bad, and vicious. I went on vacations, traveled all over the united states to visit people, went to mexico. I had a social life where I would be out quite often.

But I didn't LIVE.

And although I hardly leave the house other than random jaunts and my trips to work, I can tell you that for the first time in my life, I am able to experience life in the emotional aspect that it should be experienced.

I am at peace.


( 20 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 18th, 2005 11:38 am (UTC)
*Nods, slowly*
Apr. 18th, 2005 02:59 pm (UTC)
That was wonderful. I still get scared, thinking about where I will move for grad school and where I will live when I get a job. Just new people and new experiences bring new worries but your post made it seem a lot more than just that. Thank you.
Aug. 25th, 2005 05:25 am (UTC)
you are most welcome :)
Apr. 18th, 2005 04:46 pm (UTC)
I liked reading that. It sounds peaceful
Aug. 24th, 2005 08:15 pm (UTC)
thank you :) i so very much love driving around. i wish that gas prices weren't so HORRID lately, so that more of my friends that appreciate it as well would be more willing to just drive me around aimlessly ;)
Apr. 18th, 2005 05:46 pm (UTC)
Oh that's good. I'm really proud of you.
Aug. 25th, 2005 03:49 am (UTC)
i need tacos, or i will explode.

this happens to me, sometimes.
Apr. 18th, 2005 06:08 pm (UTC)
It is good to be at peace, and it is good to surround yourself around the people who mean a lot to you!
Jul. 31st, 2005 06:00 pm (UTC)
exactly. and i feel silly that every time i drive through portland, especially late at night, no matter who i'm with, i'm just in total awe of everything around me, and i wonder what took me so long to move back.

then i remember that everything happens for a reason, and i think that if i had moved back earlier, i wouldn't have been able to appreciate things around me nearly as much.
Aug. 1st, 2005 04:26 pm (UTC)
So true! I don't want to take things for granted like I used to!
Apr. 18th, 2005 08:04 pm (UTC)
>I'm so tired that I'm practically drooling

He he he... *wheeze*
Jul. 21st, 2005 04:05 pm (UTC)
you've got to love that feeling, though, that you're one step above losing control of your lips and your eyes are rolling back into your head.
Apr. 18th, 2005 08:42 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you have made peace where you are now.

Aug. 22nd, 2005 06:51 pm (UTC)
me, too, though everything is sorta... hectic lately.

funny that i was completely content in my life until my father that i almost never talk to sends me an email stating that he doesn't think i'm REALLY happy, and what's wrong?

suddenly, i'm peering closely at everything in my life and seeing how i can improve on things. meh.

stupid parents.
Aug. 22nd, 2005 09:42 pm (UTC)
My parents never really ask if I am happy or not. Sometimes when I am upset and I talk to them it's like they don't even notice. Though if they said "what's wrong" or "why are you upset" I probably wouldn't want to talk about it with them anyway.
Sep. 6th, 2006 07:34 am (UTC)
my mother is quite like that, or if i try to tell her something really exciting, she changes the subject after a "oh."
Apr. 20th, 2005 08:54 am (UTC)
I adore having all my favorite people in one place... it makes me feel like everything is perfect. Unfortunately that can't happen anymore, because you and Kate and Anika don't live near me!!! ;-)

And driving... long road trips are balm to my soul. I love traveling. My friend jedibubbles calls me a nuevo-gypsy, and it is so true.
Jul. 23rd, 2005 02:58 am (UTC)
i think i'm nuevo-gypsy as well. i get ansty whenever i'm in a place for too long.

the biggest thing i miss from my life in arizona is random road trips: up to prescott, sedona, sandy eggo, mexico, vegas, whatever. nothing was too far away for a sporadic road trip, and there always seemed people willing to go with.

here? no one that likes to take road trips have cars.
Apr. 20th, 2005 08:55 am (UTC)
I am glad you are at peace. ;-)
Jul. 23rd, 2005 03:04 am (UTC)
thank you. looking back through old entries and remembering how things were in phoenix, i didn't have peace nearly as often as i have here, where a lot of the time, it's almost constant.

i think something even as simple as being around REAL GREEN TREES helps, too. i'm such a tree person, and there, all the trees were scrub brush or palm trees (which seem too high to be 'personal')
( 20 comments — Leave a comment )


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