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reasons why i live a life of laughter

a drunken dispossessed to me: you're CUTE! who's cute? hey! *people walk up* what's the best word to describe aubrey? it has four letters, and starts with a 'c' and ends with a 't' and has a 'u' in the middle!
faetal: .... aubrey's a cunt?
dispossessed: NOOOOOOOO NO NO NO NO. it's 4 letters. starts with a 'c', and has a 't' IN it, ends with an.... 'e'...." *people walking away*

*Bacci is under a side table that has bars on the side of it*
faetal: aww, Bacci's in jail!
me: awww, are you in prison?
andrea: KITTY PRISON! it even has weights in it! *points to the barbell sitting under there, too*

*i'm looking for pizza online*
me: it says here, that if we buy one pizza, we can get a FEEETZA PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
i remember for some reason, not being able to stop drawing out the word 'pee'...
(it was a pizza free, btw.)

coworker frantically over radio: aubreyaubreyaubrey, what's your 20?
me: over by receiving, why?
coworker: STAY THERE. i have something i need to tell you.
*coworker finds me*: i just had to tell you this... i just went to the bathroom and tucked my shirt in, and after a LONG WHILE, realized that i had also tucked my shirt into my BRIGHT PINK underwear, and that they were massively showing on my back the entire time.
me: somehow, it doesn't surprise me that out of EVERYONE, you feel the burning need to tell ME this.

We are at Thanksgiving dinner with my then future roommate, faetal. Andrea is serving everyone slices of turkey by holding the slices between two gigantic sharp knives. everything goes as planned until she gets to my plate, at which time the turkey starts to slip out from between the knives. Andrea compensates for this by LUNGING FORWARD toward my stomach with the two sharp knives to catch the turkey slices, stopping about an inch from my gut. i told her i thought that i should not move in, that i was going to make other arrangements.

I am sure that there's so many other instances that i could put here, but my decaffeinated mind isn't working very well yet. i shall remind you of the following embarassing instances, however:

- my showing people how an exercise ball was REALLY supposed to be used, just to have my arms give out and end up doing a literal lipskid across the carpet, with my body ending up bending backwards into a gigantic capital "C"
- working at officemax during labor day, one and a half weeks after i first started working there, second busiest day of the year, and ripping the inside of my pants from crotch to mid calf, and having to take the bus all the way home like this.
- while working at wal*mart, and talking to a transient, he grabbed my hand and admired my nailpolish, only to instantly stuff two of my fingers into his mouth.

/pointless post


( 23 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 9th, 2005 05:53 pm (UTC)
That last story reminds me of one time when Charli and I were walking downtown Portland, and some old guy told me I had nice feet. As I was getting ready to say Thank you, he quickly added in "to cum on".
Dirty and kind of creepy. But I still think it's kind of funny anyway.
Jun. 9th, 2005 05:54 pm (UTC)
LMFAO. i was so drinking coffee when i read that! almost resulted in one helluva mess. and not on my feet.

people are creepy sometimes! i recently had two older scraggly men come through my line and joke with each other about showing me what sex was all about.

Jun. 9th, 2005 05:59 pm (UTC)
He stuck your fingers in his mouth! OMG! What did you do? Did you freak out and yell at him or what?
Jun. 9th, 2005 06:09 pm (UTC)
i was in shock more than anything else, so i just sat there, arm extended and fingers in his mouth with this look on my face: O_O

i pulled my hand back and mumbled something about having to get back to work, as i ran back and washed my hands well.
(Deleted comment)
Jun. 9th, 2005 06:08 pm (UTC)
oh no no no, it was totally FACE FIRST. basically, we went somewhere for a dinner party and the host had one of those gigantic exercise balls that he had for therapy after a car accident a couple years back. my roommate was sitting on it and bouncing up and down, wondering how to use it, and i told her that i would show her how it's done...

meaning, i climbed on it, tummy down, walked out with my hands until the ball was around my thigh area, and tried to do a push up...

which is when my arms immediately gave out and my face skid across the carpet. and all i could do was lay there, face down on the carpet, and laugh so hard that i almost cried, as my roommate was torn between helping me get up and running to the bathroom because i almost made her wet herself from laughing.
Jun. 9th, 2005 06:08 pm (UTC)
ROFL It seems that the most interesting things happen to you! You should really considering writing it down in a book type way, or perhaps a semi autobiographical movie about the funnier moments of your life.

Jun. 9th, 2005 06:10 pm (UTC)
i've so considered writing a book, as it totally seems like the odd things happen to me.. both my brother and i seem to be magnets for the odd.

i just wish that my brain was thinking better today, so that i could have jotted more down. i'll try to think of some more at work tonight.
Jun. 9th, 2005 06:13 pm (UTC)
Oooo you've gotta tell some stories about your brother if he doesn't mind!

Yeah brains can be fenikie like that, you should go and get a spare incase it goes out :P

Jun. 9th, 2005 06:24 pm (UTC)
ah, that's my favorite. i always love going to places with my brother whenever we're with people that aren't used to having someone around that has known my brother HIS ENTIRE LIFE, and then telling stories back and forth, like how he used to eat cigarette butts as a kid, and how he once pulled a dresser down on my head, and how we had a yarn wrapping contest, where he almost lost his right arm.
Jun. 9th, 2005 06:29 pm (UTC)
OMG that sounds soo funny! Can't wait to hear 'em if you post them.. sounds like the things I looked fowarded to if I ever had syblings. I didn't meet them untill later in my life and they are vastly different in age and culture so... I'm going to stop right here

Jun. 9th, 2005 06:33 pm (UTC)
brosely and i are different from most other siblings in the fact that we're best friends and almost never fight. as adults, the only time we get in arguments is over situations with mom or money. we're so close, it's almost like we're twins.

even as kids, we didn't fight TOO much, other than when he went through phases where he would make mom take him EVERYWHERE with my friends and i, which was a pain as a teenager (he's 6 years younger than i)...
Jun. 9th, 2005 06:40 pm (UTC)
Awwwww thats so wonderful! I always wanted another me to get the blame and to be there when it was just me but I digress, awwww :P

Muahaha another LJ user to review :)
Nov. 16th, 2005 05:00 am (UTC)
don't get me wrong, we definitely had squabbles when we were young. he is the baby of the family and thusly could never do any wrong. whenever he would get in trouble, i would end up getting the brunt of it because i should know better! gah.
Jun. 9th, 2005 06:19 pm (UTC)
*is unable to breath at feetza pee*
Jun. 9th, 2005 06:23 pm (UTC)
oh, if you would have been here... as i said, i couldn't stop myself from drawing it out, before i even realized that i had said 'pee' very loudly (everyone had been talking, and i needed to make myself heard over everyone, afterall..), until everyone stopped and looked at me, and i realized what i was saying, a look of massive concern coming over my face as i STILL continued to draw out the "EEEEEEEEeeeee...."
Jun. 9th, 2005 06:23 pm (UTC)
Jun. 9th, 2005 06:27 pm (UTC)
Re: aaaagh

stuff like that happens all the time round these parts. it's surprising that andrea and i don't have abs o steel from all the massive amounts of giggling we're doing.

andrea *talking about how she has problems being girly sometimes*: "i mean, i wear pink and all, but i was never like "i'm a fairy prince..... HA! no, never THAT! I WAS NEVER a fairy prince!"

guess you had to be there.
Jun. 10th, 2005 02:07 pm (UTC)
Oct. 30th, 2005 04:58 am (UTC)
stick with me, baby, you'll get stuff like this happening to you, too, all the time!
Nov. 13th, 2005 11:34 am (UTC)
is that a threat or a promise? *evilgrin*
Jun. 10th, 2005 05:31 pm (UTC)
oh aubs, thanks for the laughs! I needed some. I hope you have a good day :-) off to sleep for me :-)
Mar. 1st, 2006 05:49 am (UTC)
hee hee, glad i could make you laugh!

i love making people laugh.
Jun. 11th, 2005 05:14 pm (UTC)
Sounds like you had an offbeat time, I love it!
( 23 comments — Leave a comment )


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