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i was born a rambling maaaan... geez.

why do i keep forgetting that i am deathly allergic to dogs? you would think that i would remember such a thing.

but, no.

i wasn't always, you see. i blame it on that. thankfully, blue tequila helped a bit. i hope i didn't annoy everyone with my quiet snuffling. hopefully, the video game music was loud enough to cover the majority of it.

i work 8 days in a row, most of them honkin shifts. i don't mind, too much, now that i see that Roxana snuck me in for a 4 day weekend over the 4th of july. so... i work until wednesday, have weds off... work thurs and fri... then don't return to work until wednesday the following week.

that's something i can live with.

in the meantime, i shall sit here, restless with life, feeling that i should accomplish a trillion things, but feeling like a vacuum for all that is anti energy. if that makes any sense. maybe more like... well, crap. i dunno. it's way past my bedtime, my head is stuffy, my nose is running, and i have a shot of tequila in me.

i need a shoulder rub, as my shoulder KILLS me all the time now. i just wish i could get past this anti touchy feely thing that i have. i can't handle most people touching me, especially men. this makes me angry at times, especially when i just need a good shoulder rub or a snuggle. "yes, i would cuddle with you, but i may go into panic mode at any time."

dumbdumbdumb. why can't i just... trust?

and i swear i'm not drunk. well, barely. i'm just rambling.

pattie made me feel good yesterday when she was having a really craptastic day and on her way out the door, she found me on the floor and told me that i was her ray of sunshine, that i helped her get through the day, that i helped her to be able to make it afterall. why don't we tell each other these things more often? everything seems so socially unacceptable anymore. why do i like working at officemax? because it's the first job i've worked in as long as i can remember that i can see people's faces genuinely light up when i walk in, as they wave and yell "AAAAUUUBREEEY!" across the room. i think i've wroked there as long as i have because of the emotional high i get from working with the people that i do.

i'll just keep telling myself that.

going to bed and shutting up now.



( 17 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 25th, 2005 03:44 pm (UTC)
"why can't i just... trust?"

I think you should see someone about that. I know easier said than done but umm yeah.

Can't answer the other questions either I think its a great idea that just doesn't propagate in this scociety but should.

As far as the job thing CS is a reall tough and sometimes crappy feild but yeah, co workers can make all the difference :)

Hope you had pleasent dreams and today is just super! If the weather is anything like here, stay under some AC!!
Jun. 25th, 2005 07:11 pm (UTC)
i really think that i should, too. i mean, hell, it's been a very long freaking time, and it's obviously not going to go away on it's own.

if i remember correctly, for the most part i did have pleasant dreams. well, interesting ones, at least. i remember there were bombs, and slave camps with humans and another one with dwarves, sprites, and gnomes, and a couple of my friends had been put in the dwarven slave camp, so i escaped the human camp and tried to infiltrate the other slave camp to save my friends, but i got caught, handcuffed, and forced to watch bombs go off in the distance.

okay, maybe not pleasant dreams, then. very colorful and vivid, at least. i remember my sprite friend wearing pink and having wings, and all the little dwarven people having severe overbites with crooked front teeth.

the weather isn't too bad here, quite muggy. overcast and HUMID. mid 60's. after a severely rushed march to work yesterday, i just wanted to turn around, go back home, and BATHE. hoo wee.
Jun. 26th, 2005 03:44 am (UTC)
Wow I need to look at this post again, I didn't know that you dreams werent' sweet. Bad dreams every now and then are normal but reoccuring ones or presistance is not a good sign. When your subcontinous is at unrest you are at a degree of unrest. Somepeople don't think this is ture because it can be such a small and unnoticable degree. I was also refering to the not beingable to stand being touch especially by males.

Yeah I don't like hot and humid weather :( I can stand the heat when i know I'm going to get reliefe like at home, which our AC hasn't worked in years :(, but I can not take that with humidity. I start to sweat and there is no reliefe! A bath would be great I miss them very much, I have not encounted one large enough for me to fully soak in for quite some time.

Dec. 6th, 2005 06:29 pm (UTC)
although cold can be downright painful and massively uncomfortable at times, i can SO handle the cold so much better than i can the heat. i've even had my window open a bit each night, though it's been like 33 degrees outside. i keep thinking about how much more acclimated i am to the weather now, comparedto my first winter here instead of in phoenix. i remember ispent the entire winter with the heat CRANKED, and wearing several layers of clothing (the heat cranking angered andrea, and we would have a mini 'heater war'.. she would walk by on her way to the kitchen and turn it off...i would head to the bathroom and turn it on...)
Dec. 6th, 2005 10:38 pm (UTC)
LOL that is great, I remember a time when i loved the cold and I still do its just that I don't have my warm spots for reliefe like I use to. Also its a lot colder her, think single digits and sometimes negative digits with the windchill!

However a good romp in the snow this winter would be nice :D
Nov. 2nd, 2006 09:58 pm (UTC)
i'm hoping that it snows this season, although i really hate walking in the stuff and spending the day in sodden shoes and frozen socks. but still, i love the snow. maybe i should invest in some boots!

but i've been able to survive this year so far in 30 degree weather just by wearing two shirts (like a long sleeved shirt with a tshirt over it) and my clark college hoody, which is about half the thickness of a normal tshirt. and scarves. thankfully, i have friends that love to make them for me, so i certainly have no shortage of those!
Nov. 3rd, 2006 04:21 pm (UTC)
awww thats great, I remember my Dr. Who Scarf that my mother made for herslef that I started to wear, it was wonderful, if were were out and I forgot my scarf we could booth wear it!
Jun. 25th, 2005 06:14 pm (UTC)
What do you think it would take for you to be able to trust men again?
Jun. 25th, 2005 07:07 pm (UTC)
i truly do not know... i mean, hell, it's been almost 3 and a half years since *that* happened.

as a younger adult (read: early 20's), i had been very anti touchy feely. the circle of friends i began to hang out with, on the other hand, was big on hugs and doing little things like sitting with legs touching, holding hands while talking to each other, etc. i came out of my shell and became a lot better at dealing with such things.

i have virtually no qualms about touching females (in a non perverted way), as in rubbing their arm, hugging them, etc. but for some reason, i completely shy away and freak out if a man touches me, unless i'm duhrunk, or on the one or two times that i had been on ecstasy (a very rare occurance), which certainly isn't healthy. it hadn't really clicked until i was thinking about it last night, and how desperately i wanted a shoulder rub, but was trying to think of someone i would trust enough to allow to do that.

the whole thing is stupid, and it makes me angry. maybe i SHOULD seek therapy. unfortunately, there's so much else going on in my life at the moment to deal with such things on a financial base. though i'm sure that there would be some sort of free or donation based emotional trauma type person that i can talk to somewhere.

i never did seek any type of therapy or anything like that after the rape. i guess i was just hoping that it would all eventually just... go away, or that i would meet a man that i would *magically* feel comfortable around.

i also dread having 'the talk' with my next significant other, so to speak, as in 'hi. i'm interested in you. but i was raped, MANY years ago, so don't be offended if i can't stand you to touch me.' type thing.

but, geez. three and a half freaking years. i haven't had any other problems with the ordeal lately any more, so why such a little thing as this?

Jun. 26th, 2005 02:03 am (UTC)
i do, on occassion give shoulder rubs, and i could try not to squeeze the hell out of your shoulder...
i'm just sorta in my own little world recently and i..... am affraid i am not the attentive friend i could be.
Feb. 11th, 2006 07:41 pm (UTC)
you're there when it counts, and that's the most imporant thing. most 'friends' are there when it's convenient, or for the fun things, but you? you're the real trooper. even if we don't hang out or if you turn us down for something simple, i.e. a party or whatever, i know that when i NEED someone, that you'll be the first person knocking on my door.

love you.
Jun. 26th, 2005 12:04 am (UTC)
im allergic to cats but not dogs. its weird.

so why do you not trust men?
Jun. 26th, 2005 03:05 am (UTC)
I didn't know you were allergic to dogs!
I'm sorry! We could have put them outside, or in the other room, or somewhere other than in your lap! Sorry.

Jun. 26th, 2005 05:01 am (UTC)
it's okay, hun, i still had great fun, though i felt bad that everything was for four players and i was the fifth impeding on video game fun.

i had totally forgotten i was allergic, too ;) at least it just caused a bit of snuffling and sneezing, not like with cara's dog, where my eyes almost swelled shut.
Jun. 30th, 2005 10:27 am (UTC)
hey Aaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuubreeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyy....

Come spend time with me and I'll help ease you back into being cuddled and loved. I won't mind if you panic on me, either. I'll pet your hair and rub your shoulders and hold your hand when we go walking.
Oct. 30th, 2005 06:19 am (UTC)
i LOVE holding hands when i go walking!!! i freak faetal out with it, though, she always pulls away.


so we MUST go a-walking and couch sitting and petting and hair brushing and and and...

Nov. 13th, 2005 11:47 am (UTC)
*splodes with you*

*delighted giggle*
( 17 comments — Leave a comment )


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