for some reason, this knowledge hit me with a ton of bricks this morning. so much i needed to accomplish before this.
I just pray to GOD and all his neighbors to give me the energy and motivation and drive to do a lot of it this weekend.
sorry i haven't been around, i've been a tad.. depressed and introverted. so much of my life right now is undecided and i don't know what to do with it. so much is going to change, HAS to change in the next couple of months to a year. there will be a move, whether it be my dearest faetal or myself. i think i moved so much in my early adult life that now it scares me. i no longer like to be uprooted (says the girl who once lived in 6 states within 13 months.)
the funny thing would be if jess and i move in together literally right next door to where we're currently living. that would be fun, too, to only have to change my address by saying "okay, it's 7010 B, not 7010 C." insert all sorts of party ideas with the four of us taking up two apartments right next door to each other, although i never party any more.
i keep looking around the house at everything and realizing what is staying and what is going, once one of us leaves. the entertainment center. the television. i have the ps2 and stanieldaniel's tv/vcr. i have a tiny desk. i have a ton of bookshelves (i bought a bunch of the things in a mild panic once. almost every single one of them remains empty.)
and then there's custody issues: where would Bacci go?
everyone around me that i care for most is all stressed out about various things: jessie because of being uprooted with no clear place to go, an ending of a job and of independence, no matter how temporary it is... andrea with her wedding, with moving possibilities, with worrying what's going to happen to me when her and joel move out. joel with school stuff and hating our housekeeping skills. mom with her rapidly deteriorating health and depression. i had built a little nonchalant wall around me as well as i could, telling myself repeatedly that i would deal with everything when i HAD to, that there's no use becoming stressed out before there's need. life is too short, right?
well, it's all caught up to me now. damn empathy-ness. i feel like everyone is right on the edge of freaking out, and i'm teetering on the precipice right with them.
i also wish i had the knowhow/capability/drive to help poor andrea with her wedding more, too. i took a bunch of days off before the wedding, too, so that i can help to prepare in whatever ways i can, and one day afterwards, to recouperate. egads, the whole apartment to myself for like a week? terrifying. funny how i lived by myself without a single roommate for over 6 years, without a telephone, cable, AND internet access, and how the idea of ONE WEEK by myself in a two story townhome gives me little panicky goosebumps.
gah. so much to stress over, so little time. and no direction that i know to take.
in the meantime? i think i need to vomit.
"um, that way. .... no.. um... it's over there."
"how could you not know? i just upgraded your guidance system!"
"oh, i left that at home."
"....you left WHAT at home?"
"the guidy...chippy... thingie."
"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!?"
"to make room for the cupcake!"
"how could you do this? you've left us stranded in the middle of enemy territory, surrounded by... HUMANS!"
"i can see that you understand your mistake, GIR, and me being angry will get us no closer to home. i will just have to use my innate invader survival skills to get us out of here."
".....i miss you, cupcake!"