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indirection... misdirection...

holy fucking CRAP!

it's JULY!

for some reason, this knowledge hit me with a ton of bricks this morning. so much i needed to accomplish before this.

I just pray to GOD and all his neighbors to give me the energy and motivation and drive to do a lot of it this weekend.

sorry i haven't been around, i've been a tad.. depressed and introverted. so much of my life right now is undecided and i don't know what to do with it. so much is going to change, HAS to change in the next couple of months to a year. there will be a move, whether it be my dearest faetal or myself. i think i moved so much in my early adult life that now it scares me. i no longer like to be uprooted (says the girl who once lived in 6 states within 13 months.)

the funny thing would be if jess and i move in together literally right next door to where we're currently living. that would be fun, too, to only have to change my address by saying "okay, it's 7010 B, not 7010 C." insert all sorts of party ideas with the four of us taking up two apartments right next door to each other, although i never party any more.

i keep looking around the house at everything and realizing what is staying and what is going, once one of us leaves. the entertainment center. the television. i have the ps2 and stanieldaniel's tv/vcr. i have a tiny desk. i have a ton of bookshelves (i bought a bunch of the things in a mild panic once. almost every single one of them remains empty.)

and then there's custody issues: where would Bacci go?

everyone around me that i care for most is all stressed out about various things: jessie because of being uprooted with no clear place to go, an ending of a job and of independence, no matter how temporary it is... andrea with her wedding, with moving possibilities, with worrying what's going to happen to me when her and joel move out. joel with school stuff and hating our housekeeping skills. mom with her rapidly deteriorating health and depression. i had built a little nonchalant wall around me as well as i could, telling myself repeatedly that i would deal with everything when i HAD to, that there's no use becoming stressed out before there's need. life is too short, right?

well, it's all caught up to me now. damn empathy-ness. i feel like everyone is right on the edge of freaking out, and i'm teetering on the precipice right with them.

i also wish i had the knowhow/capability/drive to help poor andrea with her wedding more, too. i took a bunch of days off before the wedding, too, so that i can help to prepare in whatever ways i can, and one day afterwards, to recouperate. egads, the whole apartment to myself for like a week? terrifying. funny how i lived by myself without a single roommate for over 6 years, without a telephone, cable, AND internet access, and how the idea of ONE WEEK by myself in a two story townhome gives me little panicky goosebumps.

gah. so much to stress over, so little time. and no direction that i know to take.

in the meantime? i think i need to vomit.

"um, that way. .... no.. um... it's over there."
"how could you not know? i just upgraded your guidance system!"
"oh, i left that at home."
"....you left WHAT at home?"
"the guidy...chippy... thingie."
"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!?"
"to make room for the cupcake!"
"how could you do this? you've left us stranded in the middle of enemy territory, surrounded by... HUMANS!"
*sniffle*
"i can see that you understand your mistake, GIR, and me being angry will get us no closer to home. i will just have to use my innate invader survival skills to get us out of here."
".....i miss you, cupcake!"

Comments

( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
wallbrat
Jul. 1st, 2005 02:44 pm (UTC)
*hugs her*

Wait a minute. July. That means that my birthday is coming up. Hiding sounds like a good idea right now. I don't suppose that there's room under your brd, is there?
aubkabob
Jul. 1st, 2005 02:48 pm (UTC)
sorry, don't own a brd. plenty outside in the tree, though i wouldn't recommend sitting under them for long, unless you're looking for a new, organic hair gel.

i don't own a bed, either. my 'bed' consists of a futon mattress borrowed indefinitely from andrea. i HAD originally planned on spending my tax return on a bed, until everyone reminded me how deathly important my bankruptcy is.

oh yeah, and add that to the stress list, too.
wallbrat
Jul. 1st, 2005 04:05 pm (UTC)
*chuckles* I never said I was a good typist.

*hugs her again* Stress is bad. I have to do another five day run after one day off and it's my sister's birthday Saturday so I'm kind of tied up. How about meeting for coffee on Friday or Saturday of next week?

*bounces off to work*
aubkabob
Apr. 24th, 2006 02:38 am (UTC)
we SHOULD do coffee again, we really should. life is so freaking hectic right about now, gaaaaah!
wallbrat
Apr. 24th, 2006 08:45 am (UTC)
We keep saying that and nothing happens. *chuckles*

Let me know when you get a break from school and we'll try to set something up.
aubkabob
Jun. 4th, 2007 02:35 am (UTC)
I suppose that quitting school all together would help free my schedule a bit? ;)
faetal
Jul. 1st, 2005 03:37 pm (UTC)
I keep saying that I would understand if you want to keep Bacci, then you always say, "but you brought her home in the first place!!!!"
For a while I was pretty upset that I was going to be "stuck" with the kitty that doesnt EVEN LIKE me. Now that Joel loves her and plays with her, I dont mind. But still if you want her, you get first dibs.
I realize I have no real Idea of when the lease is actually up.
I would stay here for another year, convince Joel that we need time to save up for a house, but I'm beginning to hate it here, with the pool closure mostly, and my lack of space to garden, I want to paint!!!! the walls....
aubkabob
Feb. 11th, 2006 08:04 pm (UTC)
i was reading an essay yesterday in my english book about how home is a sweet desire that a lot of us have, something as simple as walls that we can PAINT WHATEVER COLOR WE CHOOOOSE.

whenever you do get a place, if you need/want help painting, i will SO be there. i LOVE painting. i always get sad when i fervently offer to help people paint, and they don't think i'm serious, so i never get officially invited (or told when, or whatnot.)

love.... painting.
dive01265
Jul. 1st, 2005 07:26 pm (UTC)
I understand how you feel, and I hope things work out in your life:) *hugs*
carush_girl
Jul. 1st, 2005 08:09 pm (UTC)
What a whirlwind of stuff going on, very tornadoishh...

;(
aubkabob
Feb. 2nd, 2006 05:28 am (UTC)
very much so. it's interesting to look back only a scant 6 months ago, and see how very different my life was. i'm still busy these days, but it's more of a constant same-o same-o status quo type thing instead of such a maelstrom of random things.
a_muse_d
Jul. 2nd, 2005 01:48 am (UTC)
you could move up to Seattle and live with me. i still don't have a roommate :) er :\
aubkabob
Sep. 13th, 2005 04:12 am (UTC)
you know? i DO think it's ridiculous that i've lived in this area for a total of about 8 or more years and have only been to seattle once other than to change busses, and i was age 15, and my mommy gave me $5 to spend.

i need to organize a road trip up there again. find me a boy that loves to drive and whatnot ;)
aditu
Jul. 2nd, 2005 05:34 am (UTC)
*hugs*
aubkabob
Oct. 3rd, 2005 03:41 am (UTC)
your hugs are always happily received!
sweet_tiffany82
Jul. 5th, 2005 01:26 pm (UTC)
living in 6 states within 30 months..wow

stress sucks. im scared of what its going to be like after college.

*hugs*
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )

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