this is beginning to effect my life in a couple of ways: first of all, i keep buying the day old "bread" at school. depending upon how old and how much they have left over, you can get either a bag of three for 25 cents, or a bag of three or four for 50 cents. it seems like only one or two other people and myself purchase these bags. they're perfectly fine, taste great, don't kill you. what's in the bag? generally a conglomeration of stuff, you see. i picked up one bag with a chocolate chip muffin, a lemon poppyseed muffin, and .. other... in it, and another that had twisted cheese bread, a plain croissant, and a spinach croissant in it, for 50 cents each. day before yesterday, it was a bag with four giant bagels in it. part of me squeals with joy at the fantastic CHEAP food, but another, prouder part of me recoils and hopes no one i know sees me scrambling for the deal.
but then i always realize that i keep completely to myself, for the most part, so the only people that 'know' me is the guy running the register, and a couple of coworkers.
another way that this has effected my life is the food around the house. i feel awful eating everyone else's food, as i've been a massive bum for a couple of months now (being poor due to cut hours at work and all). i generally try to eat only things that there are a surplus of in the house (like pasta and corn), and stuff that it SEEMS like no one else is going to eat, that will be going bad soon. i HATE for food to go bad. i've noticed that whenever we have going bad-able food, that i keep a wary eye on it and judge just how fast it's being eaten.. and then help out here and there, should i feel that it's not disappearing fast enough. several times that i strictly tell myself "NO, AUBREY, that's BAD! you didn't BUY that!" it ends up going in the garbage with mold parading across the surface. i could have prevented that!
also, example-ing what i'm eating this morning, whenever i mess up food, unless it will make me gag, i will still eat it. i badly burned my bagel this morning, but i'm still stubbornly gnawing on the charred surface. the hell? it cost me freaking 12 cents?!
i have no idea what caused this WEIRD obsession to surface. about 6 or more months ago, i never freaked out about it, why now? is it because my paychecks are less than half of what they had been, and some weird subconscious starving, saving thing is kicking in? who the hell knows.
last night, i dreamed that i had to copy these medical charts and i couldn't do it right, and patients risked dying because of my inability to do a simple task. doctors and fellow nurses were screaming at me.
funny how i'm dreaming of a profession that i won't be working in for another three YEARS or more.
something else i dreamed recently that i had totally forgotten about. during one of my chaotic dreams, i looked down. i was wearing all white, a lab coat, and had a white name tag on it with red lettering that said "Aubrey Keating, RN"
the idea still makes me smile.