finally home from work. today sucked. i kept thinking about death and loss and how much i wish i could be there for my brother. my brother had been a supervisor there up until recently. if he hadn't left, or if he had gone back to work there instead of Ross, he might have been there when it happened. he might have had to watch her die.

it could have been HIM.

he had said i had met her a couple of times. when i saw the picture, i.... if i'm correct, I SAT NEXT TO HER ON THE FREAKING BUS when she was on her way to work. i remember looking at her, thinking she looked familiar, and thinking she was preciously cute. i had noticed that she got off at the intersection where - in hindsight - you would get off the bus to go to mcdonalds. God, to know that i had been looking at her, admiring her.... and that she was MURDERED just a couple of hours later.... was her hair long enough for a ponytail? did she have a lip piercing? Maybe i'm confused. KGW.com had a pic of her from her myspace, and it looks EXACTLY like the girl i had seen, but with shorter hair. and myspace isn't freaking letting me browse for her.

God, i can't even handle this, and i didn't even KNOW her, really.

The murderer was a registered sex offender. i have seen him before. where? don't know, but i DO know that his last known address is two blocks from my house.

I thought about how close my work is to the mcdonalds (a block), and what it would morbidly be like to be working, have a guy walk in casually, bury a knife into my chest, and calmly walk out. would i scream? would i be able to? how would i deal with a coworker laying on the floor like that? my thoughts went much deeper and darker than that, but i shall spare you from them.

and her FAMILY... what a horrifying loss. i wish.... God, i don't know what i wish.

and now my eyes burn from crying and the idiocy i had of rubbing my eyes a bit after putting lotion on my fingers.

i'm going to bed.