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I had decided before my birthday that this would be the year of self discovery. I feel that in the rigorous day to day monotonies, I have lost a bit of myself and wish to rediscover who I am and what I'm destined to become. Or, if you don't believe in destiny, who I really am inside.

So very tempting to go out and chop all my hair off short and spikey again, kind of a way to release myself from my old self and begin the journey to self discovery. I love how FREE I feel after chopping all my hair off, but hate how... masculine I feel.

Have been sleeping REALLY WELL lately, which is awesome. I had been having so many bad dreams for so long.... lately my dreams have been filled with fun and good symbolism: hanging out with John Wayne, painting the outside of a house and touching up the inside paint (dark burgundy outside and a forest green that had become chipped and peeled on the inside), having sex with Kevin Griffin (Better Than Ezra) only to stop and say "wait! I need to go color.", watching people play with Christmas ornaments.

Work?... ugh. I left for my vacation (which didn't feel like one because every day but one was taken up by... something...) feeling content as to who I was and where I was in my work place. I returned yesterday... feeling tired. I suddenly FELT, for the first time, that I am really and truly THIRTY TWO YEARS OLD and working retail, with no end in sight. Yes, yes, I'm in college, but I have probably about eight years ahead of me in order to obtain my goals.

Shrug.

Edit: in my absence and self-absorbedness when it comes to eljay lately, I'm surprised as hell to see i was only deleted by two people out of over six hundred. Thank you all for sticking by me all this time. I hearts you.

Comments

( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
achariya
Mar. 22nd, 2007 07:42 pm (UTC)
hang in there. i feel the same. but just...hang in there.
aubkabob
Mar. 27th, 2007 06:41 am (UTC)
I always do. You do, too.
theal8r
Mar. 22nd, 2007 07:44 pm (UTC)
*heh* I'm going to be 35, with no end in sight... and no goals...

as such.

(happy upcoming, yo)
bigstusexy
Mar. 22nd, 2007 07:54 pm (UTC)
No problem I'd stick by you with no posts, I'd stick by you with spiky short hair, I'd stick by you running a marathon in the nude, with a camera but I'd stick by you.

I'm elated to hear that you are sleeping again and you sound well. :)

Stu-
imnotbob
Mar. 22nd, 2007 08:14 pm (UTC)
Ah, 32 is the new 22, didnt you know that? ;)

Only two people deleted you? I feel less elite now ;P
zon14
Mar. 22nd, 2007 09:27 pm (UTC)
Well, the ol' eljay kinda IS a spot for holding up the mirror to onesself, so to speak. If we get caught up in our own reflection, that's not necessarily bad, though it might be if the house is on fire and you don't notice.

Blathering again.

No end in sight. Heh, that's how I'm feeling.
eatsoylentgreen
Mar. 22nd, 2007 10:13 pm (UTC)
my dreams suck
hottergirl01
Mar. 22nd, 2007 10:45 pm (UTC)
what are you, like a celebrity or something? Golly...anything over 30 friends is amazing and YOU missy have to have like 600??!! The hell?

glad to be one of em!

Sorry, but I wanna hear about this dream and I'd like for you to repeat whatever you said while "underneath a naked woman." Sounds quite interesting.
view_from_here
Mar. 23rd, 2007 12:24 am (UTC)
I read all the time! I just don't always know something good to comment. :)
mosspiglet
Mar. 23rd, 2007 01:33 am (UTC)
iawtc
sircaliban
Mar. 23rd, 2007 02:59 am (UTC)
only 2 out of 600? wow..

honestly.. I'm not going anywhere.. besides I feel as if we are good friends.. even though we mostly just text each other now and then.
idioscosmos
Mar. 23rd, 2007 05:43 pm (UTC)
That's 'cos we all <3 our Aubs! :-)
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )

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